Relieved but not really

Well finally after 13 long days I received a letter from my husband. Here is how his 16 page letter to me began: "To the helper and protector of all children, the comfort of the solitary and those who are separated from those they love, I ask you to give them a good gift for the body and for the soul, and to unite everyone, present and absent in true faith and love."

He is in a transfer facility right now and has no idea why. As you know, he caught chain on August 17 at about 3:00am. He was given one chain bag and told whatever he could fit in the bag he could take with him but that everything else would follow him some 2 weeks later. So, what do you think my husband chose to take with him. Food? Essentials like toothbrush, toothpaste and soap? Nope. He took his writing supplies and the pictures of his family and some books to read. He said they made him choose and, if you knew him like I do, you would not be surprised by his choice. He would rather be hungry for a little while than leave what matters most behind.

The first thing he did when he got to this transfer unit? Write me a letter. So, while it was really good to finally hear from him, it also raises my worry level because of the details he shared about the condition of the unit that he is in. He went from being in a dorm setting and working in the officer's dining room with rec every night and on the weekend to now being confined to a 4x8 cell nearly 24 hours of the day for no apparent reason. With the heat in Texas hovering most days around 110 degrees and prison units being on heat precautions, you would think that allowing extra showers would be warranted and in most units they are. However, in this transfer unit they are allowed one shower a day for 3 minutes and at 8:00am. Maybe someone can explain to me how that helps anybody? The units claim to be on water restriction yet they water the grass!

One good thing at this unit my husband was able to buy a fan but that, in itself presents a potential problem at his next unit. Will it be considered contraband because not all units sell fans? You would think that all units in the same state, run by the same agency would sell the same things at commissary but I guess that would be way too easy.

As much as I worry about him when he transfers, I know he worries just as much about me. He has transferred 5 times in the last year and it stresses us both each time he does because I never know where he is going and when I might hear from him again and anything that stresses me worries him. The one comfort my husband will always have is knowing that I love him more than anything and that no matter where he goes, I will always find him.

Will the answers ever come?

Well it's Monday and still no word. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm just being impatient. Am I worrying too much? Is he fine? Is he not fine? When will the answers to my questions come? I've prayed. I've speculated. I've rationalized and I am still no closer to knowing anything. I miss him. I can't talk to him and I can't get a letter from him soon enough to ease my mind. I wanted that 5 minute call on August 22nd. I wanted it so desperately and I know that he did too. I just wanted to hear my husband's voice on the other end of the phone telling me he was alright and that he loved me. I wanted to tell him that I am doing everything that I can to get to him in Texas. I wanted to tell him that the kids are OK. Sure I can say all that in a letter but there is just something about hearing the voice of the person you love more than life telling you how much they love you and miss you. It's reassuring and it's real and it's raw and there is nothing better. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt for one second that my husband loves me more than anything and I know he doesn't doubt my love for him. It just would have been nice to be able to tell him instead of sending it in an email.

Still wondering

Well another week has gone by and still no word from my husband. Seems like all I do these days is sit and wait and hope and pray for mail. So, when I don't get mail, I re-read some of the letters that I have gotten and trust me there are over a thousand pages of letters to chose from. I've just recently started my 5th photo album of letters. Tonight I decided to read some of the letters that I have received just this month and one of them in particular had me sobbing like a baby. It was quite a simple letter really. My husband started his letter by saying that he had just received quite a bit of mail from me but that it was late and that he would write to me in the morning but that he just wanted to say goodnight to me. All he wanted to do was say goodnight and because he couldn't do it on the phone he wanted to write it down so I would know that on August 14 he said goodnight to me. I know it may sound funny but I do the same thing. Every night at 10:30 EST I kiss my husband's picture that sits on my nightstand by my bed. I tell him goodnight and that I love him. I've even told him in my letters to remember that every night at 10:30 I am thinking of him. Not that I don't think of him any other time of the day but at least at 10:30 he knows it and while I am thinking of him he's thinking of me and for that one brief moment in time we are in sync and there is nothing else on our minds but each other.

The Worry of One

Well it's Friday and I am still no further ahead in knowing why my husband was transferred. I know where he is. I just don't know why and I've been stressing about it for over a week now. Has his medical condition worsened? Did he have surgery? Is he alright? These are questions that would no doubt plague anyone's mind when information is not forthcoming about the person they love. The distance that we are from one another only exacerbates my worry. I can't just drive to the prison for a visit and see for myself. You see I am the type of person that needs to see it to believe it and until I see my husband for myself with my own eyes, I will never believe that he is alright despite his constant reassurances to the contrary. That's just the way I'm wired and it's one of the things that makes me, me.

A very dear American  friend of mine offered to call my husband's unit the other day to see if he could find out anything for me. He spoke to the warden's secretary and she advised him that my husband was definitely in transient status which, to those that don't know, means he's only there temporarily and will be moved out again to another more permanent unit. She also advised that he wasn't there for medical reasons and that his medical condition was the same - no better but certainly no worse so that was good. She also said that he wasn't there because of any disciplinary issues either which, of course, I already knew. One thing about my husband is that he has always been a patient man but since being in TDC he has become more patient than any 10 men. He will do what is expected of him and probably more because he is a very goal-oriented person and right now his primary goal is coming home to his wife and children.

I did find out that he could be moving to either a trustee or pre-release unit. One thing I've learned from having a husband in TDC and that is to take everything you hear with a grain of salt. Unless I hear it directly from my husband, it's nothing more than speculation and speculation will drive you crazy. While the woman in the warden's office was very nice and tried to be as reassuring as possible, I cannot and will not take her at her word as to where my husband might be going and why he might be going there. I will only breathe a sigh of relief when my husband himself tells me what's what. He is the love of my life and it is only his words that can calm me and only his words that keep me right where I belong - back to back and swinging at any and all comers!

On the move

Where do I begin? It's been 6 days since my husband transferred from his unit on what I thought was medical chain. Now I'm not so sure. He was due to have his MRI at the beginning of September and all of a sudden on August 17 at 3:00am he's told to roll out and he, no doubt, had no idea why. So, now I sit here and wait and wonder where he is and how he is and I will tell you this, it's the most excruciating wait of my life. When he was deported from Canada, I wasn't even told where he was going and I didn't know where he was for 3 days. When he was taken back to Texas, I didn't know where he was for 6 days. He was then transferred to 2 different counties and then to the unit that he just left and each and every time they transfer him, my heart breaks because I know it's going to be a long while before I will hear from him and know that he is alright. This time is especially hard for me because I don't know if he is having surgery or if he's just gone for his MRI or if he's on his way to another unit. I have no way of finding out anything. I just sit here and wait and wonder and worry. Yes, my husband promised me that he would always be alright and I truely believe him as long as he is in control but if he's having surgery, he's not in control and that scares the life out of me because I, as his wife, should be where he is. I should be with him so that when he's being put to sleep the last words he hears are that I love him and the first face he sees when he wakes up is mine. I feel like I've let him down by not being there for him. He would argue that I am with him every minute of every day and that he is not alone and that he has never felt so loved in all of his life. Is the connection we have enough to get him through what lies ahead? I have to believe in my heart that it is because right now there is no other option.

Another week down!

So, another week down. For some reason, this week has felt really long to me. I haven't been sleeping very well at all. Every night I wake up at least 4 times and look at the clock and the picture of my husband sitting on my nightstand. Funny thing is, I wake up for no reason. There is no noise. It's not too hot or too cold. I just wake up. I guess I shouldn't say it's for no reason because I firmly believe and know in my heart that my husband is up at the same time. We have a connection that can't be described. I remember when he used to call me and I would tell him that I woke up at a certain time and he would say that he was up at the same time. At first we both thought it was coincidence. I mean we are 3,000 miles away afterall. Now we don't even question it. I know he's up and he's thinking of me and missing me just as am I thinking of him and missing him.


I am finding it tough to get through this weekend because I don't know where he is or how he is doing. The only thing I do know is that he is not where he should be and that's home with me. I cannot describe to you the emptiness I feel not being able to talk to or see my husband. I have tried to keep busy. I have tried to focus on other things but my heart really is 3,000 miles away with the best man I have ever known.

If you've read my previous posts, then you know that my husband caught chain Wednesday night so right now I have no idea where he is. The thought of him getting on a prison bus chained to the man next to him, dressed in prison whites and having no idea where he is going and worrying about not being able to get a message to me, is almost more than I can stand. I know that he is strong and that he will do what he needs to do to come home safely. I just wish he didn't have to do it.


Today I took our daugther to see Harry Potter and we had a good time. After the movie, we played a few arcade games and for a brief moment, when we were playing air hockey, I was just in that moment and then I thought about how fun it would be if we were all together as a family eating popcorn, laughing and playing air hockey. I think nowadays, families take each other for granted. Everyone does their own thing. Families don't even eat a meal together anymore. Someone's watching TV. Someone else is in the home office working and someone else is in their room on their laptop or not at home at all. Families are becoming disconnected and we take each other for granted because we assume that our family will always be there for us. For those that are lucky enough to have a family that will support them and stand by them no matter what, count yourselves so very lucky. Family is what you make it and while I may be physically 3,000 miles away from my husband, we couldn't be closer.

Catching Chain

Well it finally happened. My husband caught chain this morning. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, "catching chain" simply means he was transferred. My husband's cellmate's mother emailed me to let me know that he had caught chain at 3:00am this morning. What I don't know is whether he is on medical chain, for his neck, or whether he has been transferred to a trustee camp. If he has been transferred to a trustee camp, that means that I will have to wait another 90 days to receive a phone call from him. You see in order to be allowed the one 5 minute every 90 days call, an inmate needs to be on his unit of assignment for 90 days and case free and all that. Well this week would have been his second 90 days at his unit of assignment and he was due to call me in the next few days - a call I was so looking forward to but now, in all likelihood, I will have to wait another 3 months to get that 5 minute call. I don't know whether to be happy if it's medical chain because that at least means TDC hasn't forgotten about him or heartbroken that I may have to wait another 90 days before I can hear from him again. Ask any husband or wife of an inmate and they will tell you that all they really want to know is if their spouse is OK and all they really want to hear is I love you. For those of you lucky enough to have regular contact with your spouse or partner, please be thankful for every moment you have. Cherish the visits and phone calls even if the calls are only 15 minutes long. Tell your spouse you love them one more time and really and truly mean it. Let them see in your eyes and hear from your heart how much they mean to you because there are people, like me, who would give absolutely anything for that 15 minute call. I am sure there are some who would say 3 more months isn't so bad but, in all honesty, for me, it feels like a lifetime.

Will he or won't he?

Well happy Sunday everyone! Tomorrow will officially be 6 months since my husband has been at TDC. Since that time, I have heard from him once and that was on May 24th at 5:00am for 5 minutes. On the 22nd of this month, I will hopefully receive another 5 minute phone call from him. Fingers crossed that the warden is in a generous mood and will allow the call. I guess you just never know how things are going to go and I certainly have no way of knowing ahead of time if my husband's I-60 will even be approved. The last time he was allowed to call, he didn't know ahead of time either. He was called to the G-line at 4:30am and told by the Sergeant that his I-60 request to make a collect call had been approved. He was asked, at that time, whether he wanted to wait until later in the day to call me but he wasn't sure that I would be home so he asked if he could call right then and there so my phone call came in at 5:00am. I had had a feeling all night that maybe he would call so I was walking around the house wearing the phone like a necklace. When I went to bed, I put the phone by my bed and when it rang long distance so early in the morning, I knew it was him. I quickly answered and heard in that slow southern drawl of his "hey baby." I can't tell you how good it was to hear his voice. I can still here it now. After crying for the first few seconds, I got myself together. He said "baby we only have 5 minutes so we have to make em count." I asked him how he was and how his neck was and he said fine. He asked how the kids and I were and I said "we are fine but we miss you" and he said he missed us as well. I can't tell you what else we talked about because I was trying so hard to memorize his voice that I didn't really pay attention to the words just the sound of his voice. After what seemed like only a minute, he said "well baby, we only have a minute left so if there is anything you want to tell me, you need to do it now." I started crying a bit because I had no idea when I might hear from him again. I told him that I loved him and he laughed a little and said "I love you too" and "are you alright?" I said I was fine and he said "Well, I love ya and I'll call ya again in 3 months" and those were the last words my husband said to me. So, now I sit here waiting and hoping that the warden will let him call me again because we deserve at least that. My husband, just like so many other husbands and wives in TDC, deserves to hear his wife tell him that she loves him. So, for those that are of the view that prison isn't supposed to be fun and it is supposed to be hard, and inmates get what they deserve, ask yourself this - if it were your husband or your wife, would your opinion change? I'd be willing to bet it would...in a heartbeat.

What are you made of?

So, another weekend is upon us and that means another week down for my husband and another week closer to coming home. You know I have always told my husband that everything happens for a reason and some days that reason is plain as the nose on my face and other days I struggle to see what that reason might be. When my husband first went to prison, I struggled with the why's of it all; trying to understand why God would bring such a wonderful man into my life and then just as quickly take him away from me. Why would God allow me to fall in love with this man and then say "well that's enough for you." After countless hours of crying and praying and bargaining and doubt, I came to realize that everything DOES happen for a reason. Every choice that I have made, right or wrong, every choice that my husband has made, right or wrong, have led us to this moment in time, to this life and truth be told I wouldn't change a moment of it or we would still be "he" and "me" and not the "we" that we have become. I realize now that God is saying "Let's see what you two are made of." To be just as in love with a man 3,000 miles away as I was when he was sitting in my living room and to know that God picked him for me and me only IS the why of it all. You know my mom always used to tell me that I was made of pretty good stuff and you know what? She was right.

Don't like your job? You're welcome to find a new one!

Good morning everyone. Well today I was going to tell you all about the mail I received from my husband but then I made the mistake of checking out a post on the prison talk website that so infuriated me, I had to blog about that instead. The discussion revolves around what cells in Texas prisons looks like and posters are venting about the horrible conditions that their husbands, along with thousands of other husbands and wives, are living in. Well it didn't take long for someone to come along and post: "I work at lychner and this is how it is. We have tanks with 4 dorms and each dorms hold 56-58 bunks and the toilets and stuff was the same as u described it. And I don't see how it's inhumane living. Ask me, I'll tell you they got it made compared to other prisons but at the same time I'm not trying to accommodate a person who's a menace against society."

Well kids, this really got under my skin soooo, here is my retort: 

You see it's that mentality right there that chaps my ass. Not every inmate in prison is a menace to society and how dare you paint them all with the same brush! And it is that same jaded and misguided attitude that could potentially hold down all inmates from possible success both inside and outside of prison.

You don't see how it's inhumane living because you don't want to. At the end of the day, you go home to your family, where you can come and go as you please, do what you want when you want, remove yourself, at will, from uncomfortable surroundings so please don't sit in judgement of any inmate least of all ones that you have never nor will ever come in contact with.

It is clear that your view of inmates is distorted, biased and extremely judgemental just like most of the population who do not have loved ones incarcerated. Nearly every person on this site has an immediate family member incarcerated and the last thing that they need is to listen to the ramblings of a bitter individual who clearly hates his/her job and those that he is charged with overseeing. TDCJ's mission statement is to promote positive change in offender behavior. You would do well to remember that. Perhaps reviewing the Correction Officer’s Creed might remind you of your obligations both to yourself and those you guard.

CORRECTION OFFICERS’ CREED

To speak sparingly…to act, not to argue…to be in authority through personal presence…to correct without nagging…to speak with the calm voice of certainty…to see everything, know what is significant and what not to notice…to be neither insensitive to distress nor so distracted by pity as to miss what must elsewhere be seen…To do neither that which is unkind nor self-indulgent in its misplaced charity…never to obey the impulse to tongue lash that silent insolence which in times past could receive the lash…to be both firm and fair…to know I cannot be fair simply be being firm, nor firm simply by being fair… To support the reputations of associates and confront them without anger, should they stand short of professional conduct…to reach for knowledge of the continuing mysteries of human motivation…to think; always to think…to be dependable…to be dependable first to my charges and associates, and thereafter to my duty as employee and citizen…to keep fit…to keep forever alert…to listen to what is meant as well as what is said with words and with silences… To expect respect from my charges and my superiors yet never to abuse the one for abuses from the other...for eight hours each working day to be an example of the person I could be at all times...to acquiesce in no dishonest act...to cultivate patience under boredom and calm during confusion...to understand the why of every order I take or give... To hold freedom among the highest values though I deny it to those I guard…to deny it with dignity that in my example they find no reason to lose their dignity…to be prompt…to be honest with all who practice deceit that they not find in me excuse for themselves…to privately face down my fear that I not signal it…to privately cool my anger that I not displace it on others…to hold in confidence what I see and hear, which by the telling could harm or humiliate to no good purpose…to keep my outside problems outside…to leave inside that which should stay inside…to do my duty. Bob Barrington, Correctional Officers' Creed, The Keepers’ Voice, 19(2), 1998: 8"

I cannot now, nor will I ever, sit idly by and listen to sheer and utter hate and nonsense and say nothing. It's just not in me to do so. My husband has always said that he loves my fiery Irish mouth and the fact that I will always stand up and fight for what I believe in and for what is right. And I will tell you this, this is right!