As I sit here this morning, reading through all of my facebook posts, emails and blog comments, I am reminded how hard this journey is for the loved ones of those doing time. This blog is dedicated to those of you who are struggling to find the strength to get through this time away from the ones you love most.
I have often been told how strong I am to be doing this time without my husband or the support of my familly and while receiving a comment like "you are one of the strongest people I have met on this road so far!!" is very flattering, it is also very humbling.
I am no stronger than any of you. I am no different. Yes, my husband is in prison 3,000 miles away and yes I haven't seen him in over a year and a half and I haven't talked to him in over 3 months but does that make me stronger than any of you? No it doesn't. We all have our crosses to bear in this life we have chosen and no one person's pain is any greater or less than the others. You are all strong men and women. You just don't know it yet.
I have heard a lot of people asking God to give them the strength to endure what they must because of the life they have chosen and while prayer is always beneficial, I am a firm believer that God doesn't make you strong; the circumstances God gives you do. You will either rise to the challenge or fall flat on your face and if you do fall you must rise again and again and again.
Choosing to love an inmate is just that - a choice - and nothing about it will be easy. The time, the distance, the worry, the stress and the limited communication are enough to keep the strongest person down. However, if there is anything that you will learn throughout this journey it is that you are stronger than you think you are and stronger than anyone gives you credit for.
It's the easiest thing in the world to stay down when you have fallen. It takes true strength to keep getting back up. So to all of you who have fallen, remember this. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself. You will have days when you are squared up and ready to take on the world and you will have days when all you want to do is stay in bed with the covers over your head.
I guarantee that you will have more strong days than weak ones. How do I know? Because I have been where all of you are and I am still standing. This bid with my husband has not broken me so don't you dare let it break any of you either. It's ok to fall once in a while and it's ok to feel weak. You just always, always have to...keep gettin up!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
A Memoriam for my Grandmother
Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of my grandmother's passing and I can already tell it's going to hit me very hard. I've been thinking about this day coming for weeks now and the closer it gets the more I feel it. My grandmother died of congestive heart failure on February 13 at around 1:00pm at the age of 93.
My grandmother was born on April 3, 1920 and she was the oldest of 10 children. She was married to my grandfather for nearly 55 years before he passed away in 1995. My mother was their only child and she passed away in 2005. So, here I sit on this day with the memories of not only my grandmother but my grandfather and my mom and right now, it's a little too much to bear but I will because really there is no other choice.
I remember the last time I saw my grandmother. Her eyesight and memory were failing and as I walked into her room, she just sat there and stared at me for a second. As I came closer to her, she said to me in a very soft, sure voice "I know your face" and I started crying because the thought of her not being able to remember me was devastating. We had a bond more like mother and daughter than grandmother and granddaughter so if she no longer had those memories of us, I am not sure I would have been able to accept that. We talked a lot about things we had done together and our favourite memories were of when she would come home after work. You see my grandparents and my parents shared a house. My grandparents lived downstairs and my parents and I lived upstairs. Every day after school, I would sit out on the step and watch for my grandmother's blue Impala to come down the street and pull into the driveway. I was just so excited to see her. We would go into the house together and she would change into her after work clothes and we would make a snack in the kitchen and then go into the living room and talk about our days. We did that every day for years and I loved it. We went shopping together and camping and to McDonald's. She taught me to cook and to sew and even to knit. We even caught frogs together when I was about 7. She carried the pail and I caught the bullfrogs. We were always together.
I remember the last words my grandmother said to me. She had never met my husband so I was telling her all about him and she looked me straight in the eye and said "Does he love you?" "Yes, nanny he does." "Does that boy make you happy?" "Yes, nanny he does." "Is that boy good to you?" "Yes, nanny he is." "Then I am happy for you both and that's all I can ask and I love you."
While not having my husband here right now has left me feeling at a loss, there is something that he said to me the night my grandmother died that I have never forgotten. He said "your memories of your grandmother are your own and nobody can take them away from you. You need to remember her in your own way. Her body may be gone but she is always with you."
So, while tomorrow will be a difficult day for me, I do take comfort in knowing that not only are my grandparents and my mother always with me, but that this will be the last anniversary I will spend without my husband and that can get me through anything.
My grandmother was born on April 3, 1920 and she was the oldest of 10 children. She was married to my grandfather for nearly 55 years before he passed away in 1995. My mother was their only child and she passed away in 2005. So, here I sit on this day with the memories of not only my grandmother but my grandfather and my mom and right now, it's a little too much to bear but I will because really there is no other choice.
I remember the last time I saw my grandmother. Her eyesight and memory were failing and as I walked into her room, she just sat there and stared at me for a second. As I came closer to her, she said to me in a very soft, sure voice "I know your face" and I started crying because the thought of her not being able to remember me was devastating. We had a bond more like mother and daughter than grandmother and granddaughter so if she no longer had those memories of us, I am not sure I would have been able to accept that. We talked a lot about things we had done together and our favourite memories were of when she would come home after work. You see my grandparents and my parents shared a house. My grandparents lived downstairs and my parents and I lived upstairs. Every day after school, I would sit out on the step and watch for my grandmother's blue Impala to come down the street and pull into the driveway. I was just so excited to see her. We would go into the house together and she would change into her after work clothes and we would make a snack in the kitchen and then go into the living room and talk about our days. We did that every day for years and I loved it. We went shopping together and camping and to McDonald's. She taught me to cook and to sew and even to knit. We even caught frogs together when I was about 7. She carried the pail and I caught the bullfrogs. We were always together.
I remember the last words my grandmother said to me. She had never met my husband so I was telling her all about him and she looked me straight in the eye and said "Does he love you?" "Yes, nanny he does." "Does that boy make you happy?" "Yes, nanny he does." "Is that boy good to you?" "Yes, nanny he is." "Then I am happy for you both and that's all I can ask and I love you."
While not having my husband here right now has left me feeling at a loss, there is something that he said to me the night my grandmother died that I have never forgotten. He said "your memories of your grandmother are your own and nobody can take them away from you. You need to remember her in your own way. Her body may be gone but she is always with you."
So, while tomorrow will be a difficult day for me, I do take comfort in knowing that not only are my grandparents and my mother always with me, but that this will be the last anniversary I will spend without my husband and that can get me through anything.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
We will always be we
Well here we are and it's the beginning of February and that means that in just about two months my husband will be coming home after being in prison for over a year and a half. I find now that we are so close to being together and having all that we have ever wanted, that time is going by at lightening speed. There is still so much that needs to get done but if I know me, and I do, it will all get done.
I have to admit that the thought of seeing my husband after nearly two years has me excited and nervous and happier than I have ever been. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't missed him more than I thought my heart could take. I have talked about him constantly, fought for him relentlessly and prayed for him nightly. I found that the only way to get through this time without him is to put my love for him and his love for me right at the centre of everything I do and to never ever forget that everything happens for a reason.
So now the for real plans are being made. Our hopes and dreams are so close to becoming reality that I can almost touch them. There is no more waiting to see if he will come home this year but rather when TDC will return him to me and believe me I am never giving him back.
As I said 6 months ago, in one of my blogs, "He is on my mind every minute of every hour of every day. We are connected. We always have been and always will be. He loves me more than words can say. I love him like no other. Together we are unstoppable. Back to back. Our love is undeniable."
While some may say that nothing in this life is certain, there is one thing that I know without a doubt is certain and that is that we will always be we and nothing else matters.
I have to admit that the thought of seeing my husband after nearly two years has me excited and nervous and happier than I have ever been. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't missed him more than I thought my heart could take. I have talked about him constantly, fought for him relentlessly and prayed for him nightly. I found that the only way to get through this time without him is to put my love for him and his love for me right at the centre of everything I do and to never ever forget that everything happens for a reason.
So now the for real plans are being made. Our hopes and dreams are so close to becoming reality that I can almost touch them. There is no more waiting to see if he will come home this year but rather when TDC will return him to me and believe me I am never giving him back.
As I said 6 months ago, in one of my blogs, "He is on my mind every minute of every hour of every day. We are connected. We always have been and always will be. He loves me more than words can say. I love him like no other. Together we are unstoppable. Back to back. Our love is undeniable."
While some may say that nothing in this life is certain, there is one thing that I know without a doubt is certain and that is that we will always be we and nothing else matters.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
Well here we are. January is almost over. I can't believe how fast this month has gone. I can only hope that the next few months go by just as fast. After a year and a half, my husband is finally coming home and while I am more than excited to see him, I am also nervous and anxious.
I have missed him every day for the last 533 days and I will continue to miss him until I see his face sometime in the next couple of months. This is our do-over and I can't wait to finally start this life with him. He has been the centre of my world since he walked through my front door in September 2009. That will never change. He is the man I trust with my life and love with my entire heart. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him and I know, without a doubt, there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me.
I won't lie and say that this time apart has been easy because there has been nothing easy about it. He is in Texas. I am in Canada. We have spoken on the phone twice in a year and we haven't seen each other since September 2010. The details of his release, at least right now, are quite sketchy. I don't know when and I don't know where but I do know that no matter when and no matter where, I will be there.
All of this waiting, stressing and struggling is just about over. With my husband's freedom comes a new set of obstacles but really after being apart for so long, there is nothing we can't handle; there is no problem too big for us. The little details will take care of themselves. We have perservered and our time has come. We will be together and nothing will stop that. Nothing will stop us.
I have been asked what I have learned through this bid with my husband and really the answer is simple. The love that I have for my husband and the love he has for me has reminded me that I am braver than I believe, stronger than I think, and to never ever...sweat the small stuff.
I have missed him every day for the last 533 days and I will continue to miss him until I see his face sometime in the next couple of months. This is our do-over and I can't wait to finally start this life with him. He has been the centre of my world since he walked through my front door in September 2009. That will never change. He is the man I trust with my life and love with my entire heart. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him and I know, without a doubt, there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me.
I won't lie and say that this time apart has been easy because there has been nothing easy about it. He is in Texas. I am in Canada. We have spoken on the phone twice in a year and we haven't seen each other since September 2010. The details of his release, at least right now, are quite sketchy. I don't know when and I don't know where but I do know that no matter when and no matter where, I will be there.
All of this waiting, stressing and struggling is just about over. With my husband's freedom comes a new set of obstacles but really after being apart for so long, there is nothing we can't handle; there is no problem too big for us. The little details will take care of themselves. We have perservered and our time has come. We will be together and nothing will stop that. Nothing will stop us.
I have been asked what I have learned through this bid with my husband and really the answer is simple. The love that I have for my husband and the love he has for me has reminded me that I am braver than I believe, stronger than I think, and to never ever...sweat the small stuff.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Climbing Mount Everest
It's been a little while since I've written because, quite honestly, I have been overwhelmed with the thought that my husband is finally coming home. In just a few short months, and after close to two years, I will finally get to put my arms around him and look him in the eye and tell him how much I love him and how much I have missed him.
It's been exactly 15 days since we were given the news that my husband made parole and I am sure that I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time. My head has been swimming with all of the things that need to be done now that he is coming home.
Time is ticking and I fear it will run out before I get everything done. It feels like there is another mountain in front of me to climb but this one is considerably smaller than the last one and this time I won't be climbing it alone. I won't deny that the first mountain felt like I was climbing Mount Everst and it was a son-of-a-bitch to conquer. My husband was coming up one side and I was coming up the other and after months and months of struggling and being apart we both finally made it to the top. We will be together and we will continue to do it our way and nothing can stop us. We have made it through the worst of it and we are stronger than ever just like I said we would be when this all started nearly two years ago. He promised he would always be OK and I promised I would move to Texas. He has kept his promise just like I knew he would and I am keeping mine and because of our love for one another and our promises to each other, I realize now that the mountain I thought was ahead of us is really just a little hill.
It's been exactly 15 days since we were given the news that my husband made parole and I am sure that I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time. My head has been swimming with all of the things that need to be done now that he is coming home.
Time is ticking and I fear it will run out before I get everything done. It feels like there is another mountain in front of me to climb but this one is considerably smaller than the last one and this time I won't be climbing it alone. I won't deny that the first mountain felt like I was climbing Mount Everst and it was a son-of-a-bitch to conquer. My husband was coming up one side and I was coming up the other and after months and months of struggling and being apart we both finally made it to the top. We will be together and we will continue to do it our way and nothing can stop us. We have made it through the worst of it and we are stronger than ever just like I said we would be when this all started nearly two years ago. He promised he would always be OK and I promised I would move to Texas. He has kept his promise just like I knew he would and I am keeping mine and because of our love for one another and our promises to each other, I realize now that the mountain I thought was ahead of us is really just a little hill.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Clearer Skies
Well it was a week ago today that I found out that my husband made parole and will be coming home within the next few months. I knew this day would come and now that it is so close I find myself going through a whole new set of emotions and feelings.
I am overwhelmed with happiness yet lonlier than I've ever been since he's been gone and that is because even though he's so close to coming home, for me it's still so far away. My anxiousness is palpable. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life the way that I want my husband. I wish that I could move through time and it was the day that he was coming home. I've imagined what that day would be like at least a thousand times and I would be willing to bet that no matter how perfect a picture I have in my head of that day, it will pale in comparison to the reality.
I've had many sleepless nights since my husband has been in prison but not like this. Before when I couldn't sleep it was worry and stress and missing him like crazy that kept me awake. Now it's quite simple what has been keeping me up and that is the thought of finally being with him the way we've always been meant to be.
On August 4, 2010, we committed to each other and I made a promise to myself and to my husband that nothing would keep me from him. We have been tested more than most but we swore that we would always stand back to back, ready to take on any and all comers that threatened our commitment to one another and together we have weathered that storm and by god after what has seemed like forever the skies are clearing and the rainbow is finally coming out! Are we the same people we were when this bid started 17 months ago? Not even close. We are better.
I am overwhelmed with happiness yet lonlier than I've ever been since he's been gone and that is because even though he's so close to coming home, for me it's still so far away. My anxiousness is palpable. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life the way that I want my husband. I wish that I could move through time and it was the day that he was coming home. I've imagined what that day would be like at least a thousand times and I would be willing to bet that no matter how perfect a picture I have in my head of that day, it will pale in comparison to the reality.
I've had many sleepless nights since my husband has been in prison but not like this. Before when I couldn't sleep it was worry and stress and missing him like crazy that kept me awake. Now it's quite simple what has been keeping me up and that is the thought of finally being with him the way we've always been meant to be.
On August 4, 2010, we committed to each other and I made a promise to myself and to my husband that nothing would keep me from him. We have been tested more than most but we swore that we would always stand back to back, ready to take on any and all comers that threatened our commitment to one another and together we have weathered that storm and by god after what has seemed like forever the skies are clearing and the rainbow is finally coming out! Are we the same people we were when this bid started 17 months ago? Not even close. We are better.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Vote is in....
If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you know that my husband has been in review for parole for a few weeks now. His file went before the parole board on December 21 and I have been on pins and needles ever since.
I've been trying to stay busy and I've been praying an awful lot and hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. The question I have always had is how do you prepare for the possibility that you might be without your husband for another year? How do you get into the right frame of mind to deal with that potential outcome? I refused to believe that I would be without him for another year. I just couldn't picture it and quite frankly, I didn't want to so when I found out that his case was finally going to a vote, I wouldn't let myself think that the worst was going to happen.
My husband was less than hopeful about being granted parole after only serving 17 months on a 12-year sentence. I had always told him that I had hope enough for both of us and on more than one occassion he had said that hope is a sucker's bet. I know as sure as I am sitting here, that he was trying to prepare himself for the possibility that he would not be coming home this year.
You see, my husband would rather suffer through something than ask for help and he sure as hell would never hope for anything. He has always lived by the code that "if it's meant to be then it's up to me" and this time would be no different. He made a promise to me very early on that he would do whatever was necessary to come home to me as soon as the parole board would let him and he more than kept that promise. He did everything that was expected of him and then some. He became a trustee within the first six months of getting to prison; he held the highest job on his unit and in the 17 months that he has been in prison, he has been written up only once for being out of place but he appealed and won so the case was dismissed.
When it came time to parole, I really think my husband humored me when I suggested hiring a parole attorney to represent him. He knew I wouldn't back down and that it was useless to fight me. I swore that I would do whatever I could to level the playing field for him and if that meant hiring another lawyer, then I would. My husband had told me that all legal decisions were mine so I did what I thought was best for him and for us.
There is no greater feeling of helplessness than knowing that the fate of the man you love more than anything is in someone else's hands but I had to accept that it was out of my control and that was very hard for me. I had given my husband's parole attorney everything he had asked for and then some but was it enough? Did I forget anything? Had I really left no stone unturned? Did I do all I could? Hell ya I did! My husband was granted parole this morning and he will be home in a few short months.
So while to some, hope is a sucker's bet, when you square it up the way my husband did, there's no way you can lose.
I've been trying to stay busy and I've been praying an awful lot and hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. The question I have always had is how do you prepare for the possibility that you might be without your husband for another year? How do you get into the right frame of mind to deal with that potential outcome? I refused to believe that I would be without him for another year. I just couldn't picture it and quite frankly, I didn't want to so when I found out that his case was finally going to a vote, I wouldn't let myself think that the worst was going to happen.
My husband was less than hopeful about being granted parole after only serving 17 months on a 12-year sentence. I had always told him that I had hope enough for both of us and on more than one occassion he had said that hope is a sucker's bet. I know as sure as I am sitting here, that he was trying to prepare himself for the possibility that he would not be coming home this year.
You see, my husband would rather suffer through something than ask for help and he sure as hell would never hope for anything. He has always lived by the code that "if it's meant to be then it's up to me" and this time would be no different. He made a promise to me very early on that he would do whatever was necessary to come home to me as soon as the parole board would let him and he more than kept that promise. He did everything that was expected of him and then some. He became a trustee within the first six months of getting to prison; he held the highest job on his unit and in the 17 months that he has been in prison, he has been written up only once for being out of place but he appealed and won so the case was dismissed.
When it came time to parole, I really think my husband humored me when I suggested hiring a parole attorney to represent him. He knew I wouldn't back down and that it was useless to fight me. I swore that I would do whatever I could to level the playing field for him and if that meant hiring another lawyer, then I would. My husband had told me that all legal decisions were mine so I did what I thought was best for him and for us.
There is no greater feeling of helplessness than knowing that the fate of the man you love more than anything is in someone else's hands but I had to accept that it was out of my control and that was very hard for me. I had given my husband's parole attorney everything he had asked for and then some but was it enough? Did I forget anything? Had I really left no stone unturned? Did I do all I could? Hell ya I did! My husband was granted parole this morning and he will be home in a few short months.
So while to some, hope is a sucker's bet, when you square it up the way my husband did, there's no way you can lose.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Waiting Game
On Wednesday December 21, I received an email that I thought would never come. My husband's parole attorney contacted me to say that he had presented my husband's file to the Parole Board and that we should have a decision in about a week.
When my husband first went to prison almost 17 months ago, I knew when he would be eligible for parole so I set out to find the best parole attorney that I could afford. I was relentless in my search for the perfect person to entrust with my husband's life and our future. I researched parole lawyers until I became an expert in who they are and what they do. I checked out websites and references, sent emails and made phone call after phone call until I found, what I consider to be, the perfect man to represent my husband.
How did I know he was the one? Well for one thing, his office called me back within 30 minutes of receiving my email and to me that was huge. His assistant was very kind and considerate to the fact that I was so far away from my husband and reassured me that everything would be alright. We spoke for quite a while and not only did he reassure me but he never once mentioned money which I truly appreciated. He explained the process to me and what needed to be done. By the end of our call, I had pretty much made up my mind that this would be the firm to represent my husband. Now the question was would my husband agree? My husband has always been less than trustful of lawyers so how this one presented himself to him would be the deciding factor. If he didn't come across as genuine then I knew it would be a no-go and it would be back to square one. I would not go against what my husband wanted because I trusted his judgement more than I trusted my own.
My husband was sent a questionnaire and about two months later he met with this attorney at his unit. His opinion of this lawyer was bang on with my own. He said the lawyer seemed very genuine and knowledgeable and when I asked if he wanted me to hire him, all he said was "I trust you with my life and nobody wants me out more than you so this decision is yours." You see it is that blind faith that we have in each other that makes us "we". I will do whatever is necessary to protect him and there is not a doubt in my mind that he would do the very same thing for me.
My husband is eligible for parole very early in the New Year so it was very crucial that we started preparing as early as possible so I immediately set to work getting together everything that the lawyer would need for his presentation to the Parole Board. After several months I had it all; everything and then some. Nothing was left to chance and I left no stone unturned. Now that the file was complete, we would have to wait for the parole review process to begin. My husband finally met with the Institutional Parole Officer on his unit December 5 and his attorney made his presentation to the Parole Board on December 21.
So, all of this waiting and wondering, struggling and stressing, missing and crying has come down to this one moment. It's judgement week and while I can't talk to my husband and reassure him, I know he is thinking about me just like he knows I am thinking about him and while this is by far the most stressful thing that has happened to us in the last 17 months, we...will always be...we. No matter what.
When my husband first went to prison almost 17 months ago, I knew when he would be eligible for parole so I set out to find the best parole attorney that I could afford. I was relentless in my search for the perfect person to entrust with my husband's life and our future. I researched parole lawyers until I became an expert in who they are and what they do. I checked out websites and references, sent emails and made phone call after phone call until I found, what I consider to be, the perfect man to represent my husband.
How did I know he was the one? Well for one thing, his office called me back within 30 minutes of receiving my email and to me that was huge. His assistant was very kind and considerate to the fact that I was so far away from my husband and reassured me that everything would be alright. We spoke for quite a while and not only did he reassure me but he never once mentioned money which I truly appreciated. He explained the process to me and what needed to be done. By the end of our call, I had pretty much made up my mind that this would be the firm to represent my husband. Now the question was would my husband agree? My husband has always been less than trustful of lawyers so how this one presented himself to him would be the deciding factor. If he didn't come across as genuine then I knew it would be a no-go and it would be back to square one. I would not go against what my husband wanted because I trusted his judgement more than I trusted my own.
My husband was sent a questionnaire and about two months later he met with this attorney at his unit. His opinion of this lawyer was bang on with my own. He said the lawyer seemed very genuine and knowledgeable and when I asked if he wanted me to hire him, all he said was "I trust you with my life and nobody wants me out more than you so this decision is yours." You see it is that blind faith that we have in each other that makes us "we". I will do whatever is necessary to protect him and there is not a doubt in my mind that he would do the very same thing for me.
My husband is eligible for parole very early in the New Year so it was very crucial that we started preparing as early as possible so I immediately set to work getting together everything that the lawyer would need for his presentation to the Parole Board. After several months I had it all; everything and then some. Nothing was left to chance and I left no stone unturned. Now that the file was complete, we would have to wait for the parole review process to begin. My husband finally met with the Institutional Parole Officer on his unit December 5 and his attorney made his presentation to the Parole Board on December 21.
So, all of this waiting and wondering, struggling and stressing, missing and crying has come down to this one moment. It's judgement week and while I can't talk to my husband and reassure him, I know he is thinking about me just like he knows I am thinking about him and while this is by far the most stressful thing that has happened to us in the last 17 months, we...will always be...we. No matter what.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Christmas Wish
It’s been a little while since I’ve posted and that’s partly because life has gotten in the way but also because this time of year, which should be a time of celebration and family and togetherness, has just reminded me that my family is not whole this year.
This is the first year that I will be without my mother, both of my grandparents and my husband and that reality is hitting me like a tonne of bricks. I am overwhelmed at the thought that the three people that helped to make me the woman I am today are no longer on this earth and the most important man in my life, my husband, is in another country sitting in prison for Christmas with his closest family 3,000 miles away.
For weeks, I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it’s just not working. The shopping, the wrapping, the baking and the Christmas music just doesn’t seem to make a difference this year and while I am thankful for what I do have and that is a husband that loves me more than his own life and 4 children that are every bit the image of their mother and father, I want more. What some take for granted would be a Christmas miracle for me. My Christmas wish would be to have my husband home and not just on Christmas but every day. I want his face to be the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see every night. I want to hear him say I love you every day and I want to see the love he has for me in his eyes when he says it. I want to sit down to dinner at the table with him and talk about nothing. I want to go for a walk with him and I want to hold his hand. I want to go for a long Sunday drive to nowhere in particular and I want to sit with him by a fire and watch the sun rise and set. But what I wish for most is to never miss him again because I have done nothing but miss him since August 4, 2010.
So, while this Christmas will undoubtedly be the hardest Christmas I have ever had, it also brings with it the promise of a better life to come; a life of happiness, togetherness and more love than I have ever had in my life. I just have to hold on a little while longer knowing that my Christmas wish is just going to be a little late this year but it is coming.
This is the first year that I will be without my mother, both of my grandparents and my husband and that reality is hitting me like a tonne of bricks. I am overwhelmed at the thought that the three people that helped to make me the woman I am today are no longer on this earth and the most important man in my life, my husband, is in another country sitting in prison for Christmas with his closest family 3,000 miles away.
For weeks, I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it’s just not working. The shopping, the wrapping, the baking and the Christmas music just doesn’t seem to make a difference this year and while I am thankful for what I do have and that is a husband that loves me more than his own life and 4 children that are every bit the image of their mother and father, I want more. What some take for granted would be a Christmas miracle for me. My Christmas wish would be to have my husband home and not just on Christmas but every day. I want his face to be the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see every night. I want to hear him say I love you every day and I want to see the love he has for me in his eyes when he says it. I want to sit down to dinner at the table with him and talk about nothing. I want to go for a walk with him and I want to hold his hand. I want to go for a long Sunday drive to nowhere in particular and I want to sit with him by a fire and watch the sun rise and set. But what I wish for most is to never miss him again because I have done nothing but miss him since August 4, 2010.
So, while this Christmas will undoubtedly be the hardest Christmas I have ever had, it also brings with it the promise of a better life to come; a life of happiness, togetherness and more love than I have ever had in my life. I just have to hold on a little while longer knowing that my Christmas wish is just going to be a little late this year but it is coming.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
What are you gonna do?
By now, most of you have read my husband's guest post and by the number of hits it's received, it seems to have had a significant impact on those that follow my blog but it has had no greater impact than on me.
A few weeks ago, I asked my husband if he wouldn't mind writing something for this blog because I thought it might be nice for all of you to hear from the man I write about in his own words. I told him that he could write about anything he wanted. I never really thought he would write anything because it's one thing for him to tell me how he feels but it's another thing entirely to tell the whole world so I was surprised when, in a letter that he sent me, I noticed a single stand out paper with the words "My blog" written on the top.
As I read the words he had written, I was immediately taken back to the days that my husband was being hunted by the law and the desperation he was feeling. I remember his phone calls. I remember the worry I felt and I sure remember how close he came to not being here. He had always said that he would rather die than go to jail. I remember hearing the desperation in his voice when he would call just to see if I was alright. I remember the fear and the absolute helplessness that I felt trying to convince my husband that he was the most important thing in my life and how I needed him to be here. Those four days that he was gone were the worst days of my life. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I paced the floor waiting for his next call not knowing where he was at any given moment or if he was alive or dead.
I remember meeting my husband in his attorney's office and him asking "what are you gonna do when they take me back to Texas" and without hesitation I said "move to Texas". I really didn't think he believed me at first because he shook his head with this little grin of doubt on his face. I told him that when I said I was all in, I meant it. I meant it then and I mean it now. My husband was then and will always be one of the most important things in my life right alongside our 4 children.
That would not be the first test we would face as husband and wife. My husband would subsequently be deported from Canada and then extradited back to Texas where he is now 3,000 miles away from me.
Over these last 16 months, he has come to never doubt my commitment to him and to our family. There is nothing more important to me in this life than my husband and children and I am sure that on more than one occasion I have shown him my true colours and while I am a Canadian to the core, my heart belongs to a Texan sitting in a Texas prison.
A few weeks ago, I asked my husband if he wouldn't mind writing something for this blog because I thought it might be nice for all of you to hear from the man I write about in his own words. I told him that he could write about anything he wanted. I never really thought he would write anything because it's one thing for him to tell me how he feels but it's another thing entirely to tell the whole world so I was surprised when, in a letter that he sent me, I noticed a single stand out paper with the words "My blog" written on the top.
As I read the words he had written, I was immediately taken back to the days that my husband was being hunted by the law and the desperation he was feeling. I remember his phone calls. I remember the worry I felt and I sure remember how close he came to not being here. He had always said that he would rather die than go to jail. I remember hearing the desperation in his voice when he would call just to see if I was alright. I remember the fear and the absolute helplessness that I felt trying to convince my husband that he was the most important thing in my life and how I needed him to be here. Those four days that he was gone were the worst days of my life. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I paced the floor waiting for his next call not knowing where he was at any given moment or if he was alive or dead.
I remember meeting my husband in his attorney's office and him asking "what are you gonna do when they take me back to Texas" and without hesitation I said "move to Texas". I really didn't think he believed me at first because he shook his head with this little grin of doubt on his face. I told him that when I said I was all in, I meant it. I meant it then and I mean it now. My husband was then and will always be one of the most important things in my life right alongside our 4 children.
That would not be the first test we would face as husband and wife. My husband would subsequently be deported from Canada and then extradited back to Texas where he is now 3,000 miles away from me.
Over these last 16 months, he has come to never doubt my commitment to him and to our family. There is nothing more important to me in this life than my husband and children and I am sure that on more than one occasion I have shown him my true colours and while I am a Canadian to the core, my heart belongs to a Texan sitting in a Texas prison.
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