Today is one of those days where I just can't hold back the tears. I've tried to keep myself busy but my mind keeps me locked on my husband. As Christmas draws closer, I find myself missing him more and more if that's even possible. Missing my husband is like missing the air that I breathe or the beat of my heart. It just doesn't work without him.
Being in a city that you have lived in all your life and feeling like you don't quite fit anymore, because your heart is somewhere else, is by far one of the hardest things. It simply amounts to going through the motions until the day finally comes when your body can be where your heart has been for the last year and a half - with the man that you love more than your own life and there is nothing you won't do to make that happen.
Some may ask "why would you put yourself through this? Why wait for a man in prison?" The answer is really quite simple. We fit. We always have. I have loved my husband all my life. He is home to me. He may not be perfect but he is perfect for me.
There is a misconception that women who wait for men in prison must have low self esteem and nothing could be further from the truth. In most cases, a woman who waits for a man in prison, commits herself to a life of isolation and judgement. Family and friends turn their backs quite easily which is not really what a woman with low self esteem is looking for. A woman committed to a man in prison must find the strength inside her to stand alone against the masses; to fight for who and what she believes in and she will do it alone and without hesitation.
The only comfort she will most likely find are from other women in similar situations. There is a sense of loyalty among women who share a common thread and that is they all love a man doing time. Just because we are married to men in prison does not mean that our love is not pure and real and strong. To me, a marriage to an inmate is stronger than most free-world marriages. We commit ourselves body and soul to our husbands. Loyalty is our strongest asset and love is our greatness weakness.
You never know where we are and who we are so before you suggest that a woman being married to an inmate is desperate or naive, think again because if you don't we will not think twice about calling you out on it and I guarantee you won't win.
This story hits home, especially this part: "Being in a city that you have lived in all your life and feeling like you don't quite fit anymore, because your heart is somewhere else". I thought I could be happy here closer to family and friends I've known all my life but my heart is in Kingston locked up in a concrete box behind bars of steel. Why do we put ourselves through this? Because we love deeply and unconditionally. It only proves that we are stronger than we think! To be honest I was insecure and did have low self-esteem until I met Shane but the last thing I needed or wanted was a man after getting out of two long term abusive relationships with men who have never been to prison (might be a good place for them to change their ways). So I wasn't desperate or naive. I can get a man on the outside and actually have a man around the house helping me with the bills, kids, household chores, have him to hold at night and cuddle throughout the day but I chose to live the life of a prison wife because I found my soulmate! Family? what is family if they cant support you? Do you know how sad it is that I cant even talk to my mom about my man because I know what she thinks inside and she wont even ask questions such as;"how's your love life?" My family treats me as if I was single. Imagine I can't even share my happiness with my own mother and/or other close family members. It's sad but It doesn't really matter because I found my real family in the support groups and Shane's family. GREAT BLOG!
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