Yesterday, I received a comment on my blog and as I sat there reading it, I wondered if this blog was still serving a purpose. The reason I started this blog so many years ago was because my husband was in prison in Texas and I needed a way to try and deal with that so I decided to write things down and before I knew it, this blog was born and, I have to say, it has been quite therapeutic for me. I was able to document how I felt, what I was going through and, it seems, help a few people as well.
If you have followed my blog at all, you already know that my husband, Cody, took his life on September 5, 2015 and I have missed him every day since. I miss what was and what could have been. I miss celebrating his birthday and Father's Day, even though he hated a fuss. I miss Christmas with him and all of the other holidays that come and go but most of all I miss just standing in the kitchen and talking. It was one of his most favourite things to do. I miss his voice. I miss that southern drawl he had and I miss when he used to say "can I ask you a question?" Will this sadness ever go away? Will the guilt that I feel for not being there for him ever lift? Did my husband know, I mean really know, that I loved him? For now, these questions remain unanswered. I would like to think that my feelings of sadness and guilt will continue to lessen with each passing day but right now I can't escape what I feel and that's OK. Feeling these things reminds me that I loved hard and I loved well and there is no guilt or sadness surrounding that.
I want this blog to be a reminder, not only to me but to anyone else in a similar situation, that nothing in this life is impossible if you just believe.
Keep your head up and your heart strong!
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Saturday, March 12, 2016
When does it stop?
It's been a little over 6 months since my husband, Cody, committed suicide and while some days are better than others, there are some days that test my resolve to stay the course. I find myself just sitting and thinking...thinking about what could have been, what should have been, what isn't and won't ever be.
The truth of the matter is that Cody and I had been estranged for about a year before he committed suicide. I had moved back to Canada and he was still in Texas. For the first few months after I returned home to Canada, he would call and ask me to come back to Texas saying "I miss my wife" but it just wasn't something that I could do although I thought about it all the time. Truth is, I missed my husband. Not being with him left a huge hole in my heart. Afterall, I had squared it up all that time he was in prison and I was more than ready for my life with him and I knew he was ready for his life with me.
Anyone that has followed my blog with any regularity knows that a while back when he was in prison, Cody, wrote a post for my blog and in it he talked about having a conversation with the devil on one side and an angel on the other side. He had thought about suicide then and decided that his life with me was worth all of the fear, the stress, and the time apart that we would both go through and for a while it was exactly how we envisioned it would be.
Little by little, the devil crept back into his life, into his mind and into his heart and there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do to convince him that the angel he claimed I was, was enough to fight the demons that would eventually be the reason he took his own life. So here I am, 6 months after his death thinking, hurting and always wondering did I do enough for him? Did I try hard enough? Did I love him enough? At some point, and I haven't come to that point yet, but at some point, I will have to let my guilt and my hurt go and realize that I did do enough. I did try hard enough and I did love him enough...the devil just loved him more!
The truth of the matter is that Cody and I had been estranged for about a year before he committed suicide. I had moved back to Canada and he was still in Texas. For the first few months after I returned home to Canada, he would call and ask me to come back to Texas saying "I miss my wife" but it just wasn't something that I could do although I thought about it all the time. Truth is, I missed my husband. Not being with him left a huge hole in my heart. Afterall, I had squared it up all that time he was in prison and I was more than ready for my life with him and I knew he was ready for his life with me.
Anyone that has followed my blog with any regularity knows that a while back when he was in prison, Cody, wrote a post for my blog and in it he talked about having a conversation with the devil on one side and an angel on the other side. He had thought about suicide then and decided that his life with me was worth all of the fear, the stress, and the time apart that we would both go through and for a while it was exactly how we envisioned it would be.
Little by little, the devil crept back into his life, into his mind and into his heart and there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do to convince him that the angel he claimed I was, was enough to fight the demons that would eventually be the reason he took his own life. So here I am, 6 months after his death thinking, hurting and always wondering did I do enough for him? Did I try hard enough? Did I love him enough? At some point, and I haven't come to that point yet, but at some point, I will have to let my guilt and my hurt go and realize that I did do enough. I did try hard enough and I did love him enough...the devil just loved him more!
Friday, September 11, 2015
See you in the next life
It is with a very heavy heart that I write this tonight. Less than one week ago, the man that I loved more than any other committed suicide. My husband,the love of my life, is gone and I am so very sad. I am sad at the thought that I will never again hear him call me "babe" or grow old with him or watch our grandchildren play in the yard like he said he always wanted to. He wanted to sit on the porch like old people do, in a rocking chair, watching the Texas sunset.
As all who have read my blogs know, my fight for my husband and for his freedom was a tough one. He was in the United States and I was in Canada. It was hard and it tested not only his resilience but also our commitment to and love for one another and after 18 long months and 3,000 miles we were reunited and nothing was going to keep us apart...nothing but this.
Cody always used to say "I wish I had met you sooner. Maybe in the next life we will be high school sweethearts and we will be together for all our lives..this one and the next and the next after that."
So, to the love of my life...see you in the next life. I will be looking for you. I hope you find me quickly.
Rest in Peace, Cody.
Always,
Kim
As all who have read my blogs know, my fight for my husband and for his freedom was a tough one. He was in the United States and I was in Canada. It was hard and it tested not only his resilience but also our commitment to and love for one another and after 18 long months and 3,000 miles we were reunited and nothing was going to keep us apart...nothing but this.
Cody always used to say "I wish I had met you sooner. Maybe in the next life we will be high school sweethearts and we will be together for all our lives..this one and the next and the next after that."
So, to the love of my life...see you in the next life. I will be looking for you. I hope you find me quickly.
Rest in Peace, Cody.
Always,
Kim
Thursday, March 29, 2012
So close yet still so far
I am sitting here in my pyjamas and I should be excited to be leaving for Texas in four days and to be picking my husband up in six days but I am not. I found out last night that there was a possibility that my husband might not be coming home when we originally thought and today that was confirmed.
His release day has been delayed by nine days and while to some that may not seem like a lot, to me it is a lifetime. I have not seen my husband in a year and a half and I miss him most days more than my heart can take so this delay is a huge disappointment for me.
All the plans that I have made, the flights, the hotels, the car rental and child care must now all be changed and may need to be changed again if TDC decides to change his out date yet again. I miss my husband and I want to see him and I want to see him in six days not 15 days.
My husband has been through more in this lifetime than any other man that I know. He is a survivor and most, if not all of what he has been through, has been alone. This is the one time in his life that he has someone that loves him unconditionally and would go to hell and back for him and the fact that he now has to wait an additional nine days to be released from prison is no doubt very disappointing for him as well.
While this setback could and maybe should have me questionning my resolve and if I have what it takes to see it through to the end, I will not now or ever let anyone keep me from my husband. He will always know that he can count on me and that I will never let him down. No matter what, we are we and it is that commitment and unwavering faith we have in each other that will get us through this. Together, we are unstoppable.
While my husband may just be a number to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, he is much more than that to me. He is my best friend, my partner and the love of my life but more importantly he is now and will always be...the best man I know...still.
His release day has been delayed by nine days and while to some that may not seem like a lot, to me it is a lifetime. I have not seen my husband in a year and a half and I miss him most days more than my heart can take so this delay is a huge disappointment for me.
All the plans that I have made, the flights, the hotels, the car rental and child care must now all be changed and may need to be changed again if TDC decides to change his out date yet again. I miss my husband and I want to see him and I want to see him in six days not 15 days.
My husband has been through more in this lifetime than any other man that I know. He is a survivor and most, if not all of what he has been through, has been alone. This is the one time in his life that he has someone that loves him unconditionally and would go to hell and back for him and the fact that he now has to wait an additional nine days to be released from prison is no doubt very disappointing for him as well.
While this setback could and maybe should have me questionning my resolve and if I have what it takes to see it through to the end, I will not now or ever let anyone keep me from my husband. He will always know that he can count on me and that I will never let him down. No matter what, we are we and it is that commitment and unwavering faith we have in each other that will get us through this. Together, we are unstoppable.
While my husband may just be a number to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, he is much more than that to me. He is my best friend, my partner and the love of my life but more importantly he is now and will always be...the best man I know...still.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Me and You
It's a little after 9:00pm and I am sitting in my room trying to write you a letter and listening to some music. I heard a song today that I haven't heard before and it really tells the story of you and me perfectly.
Ever since you were given your out date, I have done nothing but think about these past 19 months without you and I often wonder how I have gotten through this time without my husband and best friend. I am not sure that the answer is as complicated as strength, commitment or having faith. It's much more basic than that. I think it's as simple as I love you and would do whatever it takes to be with you. If there is any reason at all that I am still here and still standing that is it.
Strength alone cannot get you through this time and maybe if I were a different kind of woman, I would have packed in a long time ago but what you and I have is far from ordinary. We have the kind of love that people dream of and wish for. Has this time without you been easy? Not even a little. Is it worth every sleepless night and every tear that I have cried? Hell ya!
In a little over a week you will finally be free and we will be together. We have weathered this storm together and we are unstoppable. We are connected. We always have been but more importantly we were meant to be me and you.
I love you Cody and I'll see you when I see you.
Ever since you were given your out date, I have done nothing but think about these past 19 months without you and I often wonder how I have gotten through this time without my husband and best friend. I am not sure that the answer is as complicated as strength, commitment or having faith. It's much more basic than that. I think it's as simple as I love you and would do whatever it takes to be with you. If there is any reason at all that I am still here and still standing that is it.
Strength alone cannot get you through this time and maybe if I were a different kind of woman, I would have packed in a long time ago but what you and I have is far from ordinary. We have the kind of love that people dream of and wish for. Has this time without you been easy? Not even a little. Is it worth every sleepless night and every tear that I have cried? Hell ya!
In a little over a week you will finally be free and we will be together. We have weathered this storm together and we are unstoppable. We are connected. We always have been but more importantly we were meant to be me and you.
I love you Cody and I'll see you when I see you.
~~ Me and You ~~ by Kenny Chesney
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Missing her still
Well today is March 17, 2012 and this marks the 7th birthday that I have spent without my mother. As anyone who has read my blog with any regularity knows, my mother died unexpectedly in November 2005.
Her birthday is today and even though it has been 7 years, it still feels like it was just yesterday that I said I love you for what would be the last time.
In a letter that I sent to my husband last week, I was telling him how much I missed my mom and I asked him when this would get easier and while I haven't received his reply yet, I am sure he is going to say something like "I know this day is going to be hard on you. Just know that I am with you always and so are your memories of your mother. No one can take those away from you." I think he will also say something like "I don't think that this day will ever be easy for you but I do think it will become more bearable as time goes on." Yes. That's what I think he will say. I think he will also remind me that this is the last one that I will spend without him and that gives me great comfort.
Knowing that my husband is always with me, even from 3,000 miles away has given me the strength that I have needed to get through all these days without him. I just keep reminding myself how truely fortunate I am to have him in my life not only as my husband but as my very best friend.
There isn't a doubt in my mind that my mother would have loved my husband and he would have loved her. While their love of football would have surely connected them, I think that their love for me would have cemented them. My husband told me once that one day they would meet and he would get the chance to thank her for giving him me. So, even though my mother has been gone for 7 years, I am now and will always be...missing her...still.
Her birthday is today and even though it has been 7 years, it still feels like it was just yesterday that I said I love you for what would be the last time.
In a letter that I sent to my husband last week, I was telling him how much I missed my mom and I asked him when this would get easier and while I haven't received his reply yet, I am sure he is going to say something like "I know this day is going to be hard on you. Just know that I am with you always and so are your memories of your mother. No one can take those away from you." I think he will also say something like "I don't think that this day will ever be easy for you but I do think it will become more bearable as time goes on." Yes. That's what I think he will say. I think he will also remind me that this is the last one that I will spend without him and that gives me great comfort.
Knowing that my husband is always with me, even from 3,000 miles away has given me the strength that I have needed to get through all these days without him. I just keep reminding myself how truely fortunate I am to have him in my life not only as my husband but as my very best friend.
There isn't a doubt in my mind that my mother would have loved my husband and he would have loved her. While their love of football would have surely connected them, I think that their love for me would have cemented them. My husband told me once that one day they would meet and he would get the chance to thank her for giving him me. So, even though my mother has been gone for 7 years, I am now and will always be...missing her...still.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
The Last Call
Well after 109 days I finally got my last five minute call from my husband. It was 10:10pm and I was just about asleep - you know when you are not quite awake but not quite asleep either. I sleep with the phone right by my bed so when the phone rang long distance I grabbed it on the second ring. I didn't recognize the area code but I knew it had to be my husband.
I quickly answered and I heard the operator say "You have a collect call. Press one to accept the charges." I was so nervous that I had to look twice at the phone to be sure I was pressing the number one and once I was sure I held it there for a good few seconds so that there would be no doubt that I hit the number.
When I said hello there was no answer so I immediately thought that I hadn't held the button down long enough and that he wouldn't be able to call back. I said "hello" for a second time and there it was - the voice I had longed to hear for the past 109 days saying "hey". It was just like I remembered - so strong and sure and so very comforting to hear. His voice absolutely melted my heart.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I did a little bit of both. I wanted to remember everything he said but really all I focussed on was the sound of his voice. I knew if I cried too much that our five minutes would be wasted so I did my best to hold it all in and I think I did a pretty good job of it until my husband said "ok baby we have one minute left so if there's anything you want to say to me you gotta say it now". I immediately felt the tears welling up just as I feel them right now as I am writing this and just like every time before this, all I could say to him was "I love you" and "I miss you" and all he could say to me was "I love you too. Tell the girls I love them" and "I'll see ya when I see ya".
I have missed hearing my husband's voice every day for the last 19 months and while it will only be a matter of weeks until I hear it again, for me it will be an eternity.
I quickly answered and I heard the operator say "You have a collect call. Press one to accept the charges." I was so nervous that I had to look twice at the phone to be sure I was pressing the number one and once I was sure I held it there for a good few seconds so that there would be no doubt that I hit the number.
When I said hello there was no answer so I immediately thought that I hadn't held the button down long enough and that he wouldn't be able to call back. I said "hello" for a second time and there it was - the voice I had longed to hear for the past 109 days saying "hey". It was just like I remembered - so strong and sure and so very comforting to hear. His voice absolutely melted my heart.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I did a little bit of both. I wanted to remember everything he said but really all I focussed on was the sound of his voice. I knew if I cried too much that our five minutes would be wasted so I did my best to hold it all in and I think I did a pretty good job of it until my husband said "ok baby we have one minute left so if there's anything you want to say to me you gotta say it now". I immediately felt the tears welling up just as I feel them right now as I am writing this and just like every time before this, all I could say to him was "I love you" and "I miss you" and all he could say to me was "I love you too. Tell the girls I love them" and "I'll see ya when I see ya".
I have missed hearing my husband's voice every day for the last 19 months and while it will only be a matter of weeks until I hear it again, for me it will be an eternity.
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
The Little Things
Here we are and it's Sunday again. So, that means my husband is one more week closer to coming home. I find that's the best way to look at things. Glass half full and not half empty.
Ever since my husband was granted parole, I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head that maybe most people who don't have a spouse in prison take for granted. One of the things that I can't stop thinking about is the sound of his voice. I have heard my husband's voice twice in the last year and I miss it. I miss the way he says "hey baby what's up?" and I sure as hell miss the way he says "I love you". The last time I heard him say that was November 17, 2011. I also wonder what he looks like now and how much he may have changed. Undoubtedly, he, like every other inmate has lost weight and maybe aged a little bit under the stress and strain of every day prison life but one thing I know for sure and that is that nothing will ever change the way I feel about him.
I would imagine that, after all this time, he is just as anxious and nervous to see me as I am to see him. It's been nearly two years since we have seen each other so I would be willing to bet that the first time we see each other will be overwhelming for both of us and honestly I can't wait for that moment. The moment when our eyes meet for the first time and we finally get to say everything that we have wanted to say to each other for so long and to finally be able to say it in person and not through a letter or a five minute phone call. I don't want to forget anything about that moment and I doubt I ever will because that moment in time will be the start of our life together and there is no looking back from that point on.
Like I said in one of the first blogs that I ever wrote: some go to prison hard and come out harder, some go to prison hard and come out better. My husband went in hard and while prison may have changed some things about him temporarily, the very heart of the man that I love remains and that only reinforces what I have always known; not even prison will change who he is and that is still the best man I know.
Ever since my husband was granted parole, I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head that maybe most people who don't have a spouse in prison take for granted. One of the things that I can't stop thinking about is the sound of his voice. I have heard my husband's voice twice in the last year and I miss it. I miss the way he says "hey baby what's up?" and I sure as hell miss the way he says "I love you". The last time I heard him say that was November 17, 2011. I also wonder what he looks like now and how much he may have changed. Undoubtedly, he, like every other inmate has lost weight and maybe aged a little bit under the stress and strain of every day prison life but one thing I know for sure and that is that nothing will ever change the way I feel about him.
I would imagine that, after all this time, he is just as anxious and nervous to see me as I am to see him. It's been nearly two years since we have seen each other so I would be willing to bet that the first time we see each other will be overwhelming for both of us and honestly I can't wait for that moment. The moment when our eyes meet for the first time and we finally get to say everything that we have wanted to say to each other for so long and to finally be able to say it in person and not through a letter or a five minute phone call. I don't want to forget anything about that moment and I doubt I ever will because that moment in time will be the start of our life together and there is no looking back from that point on.
Like I said in one of the first blogs that I ever wrote: some go to prison hard and come out harder, some go to prison hard and come out better. My husband went in hard and while prison may have changed some things about him temporarily, the very heart of the man that I love remains and that only reinforces what I have always known; not even prison will change who he is and that is still the best man I know.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Keep getting up
As I sit here this morning, reading through all of my facebook posts, emails and blog comments, I am reminded how hard this journey is for the loved ones of those doing time. This blog is dedicated to those of you who are struggling to find the strength to get through this time away from the ones you love most.
I have often been told how strong I am to be doing this time without my husband or the support of my familly and while receiving a comment like "you are one of the strongest people I have met on this road so far!!" is very flattering, it is also very humbling.
I am no stronger than any of you. I am no different. Yes, my husband is in prison 3,000 miles away and yes I haven't seen him in over a year and a half and I haven't talked to him in over 3 months but does that make me stronger than any of you? No it doesn't. We all have our crosses to bear in this life we have chosen and no one person's pain is any greater or less than the others. You are all strong men and women. You just don't know it yet.
I have heard a lot of people asking God to give them the strength to endure what they must because of the life they have chosen and while prayer is always beneficial, I am a firm believer that God doesn't make you strong; the circumstances God gives you do. You will either rise to the challenge or fall flat on your face and if you do fall you must rise again and again and again.
Choosing to love an inmate is just that - a choice - and nothing about it will be easy. The time, the distance, the worry, the stress and the limited communication are enough to keep the strongest person down. However, if there is anything that you will learn throughout this journey it is that you are stronger than you think you are and stronger than anyone gives you credit for.
It's the easiest thing in the world to stay down when you have fallen. It takes true strength to keep getting back up. So to all of you who have fallen, remember this. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself. You will have days when you are squared up and ready to take on the world and you will have days when all you want to do is stay in bed with the covers over your head.
I guarantee that you will have more strong days than weak ones. How do I know? Because I have been where all of you are and I am still standing. This bid with my husband has not broken me so don't you dare let it break any of you either. It's ok to fall once in a while and it's ok to feel weak. You just always, always have to...keep gettin up!
I have often been told how strong I am to be doing this time without my husband or the support of my familly and while receiving a comment like "you are one of the strongest people I have met on this road so far!!" is very flattering, it is also very humbling.
I am no stronger than any of you. I am no different. Yes, my husband is in prison 3,000 miles away and yes I haven't seen him in over a year and a half and I haven't talked to him in over 3 months but does that make me stronger than any of you? No it doesn't. We all have our crosses to bear in this life we have chosen and no one person's pain is any greater or less than the others. You are all strong men and women. You just don't know it yet.
I have heard a lot of people asking God to give them the strength to endure what they must because of the life they have chosen and while prayer is always beneficial, I am a firm believer that God doesn't make you strong; the circumstances God gives you do. You will either rise to the challenge or fall flat on your face and if you do fall you must rise again and again and again.
Choosing to love an inmate is just that - a choice - and nothing about it will be easy. The time, the distance, the worry, the stress and the limited communication are enough to keep the strongest person down. However, if there is anything that you will learn throughout this journey it is that you are stronger than you think you are and stronger than anyone gives you credit for.
It's the easiest thing in the world to stay down when you have fallen. It takes true strength to keep getting back up. So to all of you who have fallen, remember this. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself. You will have days when you are squared up and ready to take on the world and you will have days when all you want to do is stay in bed with the covers over your head.
I guarantee that you will have more strong days than weak ones. How do I know? Because I have been where all of you are and I am still standing. This bid with my husband has not broken me so don't you dare let it break any of you either. It's ok to fall once in a while and it's ok to feel weak. You just always, always have to...keep gettin up!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
A Memoriam for my Grandmother
Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of my grandmother's passing and I can already tell it's going to hit me very hard. I've been thinking about this day coming for weeks now and the closer it gets the more I feel it. My grandmother died of congestive heart failure on February 13 at around 1:00pm at the age of 93.
My grandmother was born on April 3, 1920 and she was the oldest of 10 children. She was married to my grandfather for nearly 55 years before he passed away in 1995. My mother was their only child and she passed away in 2005. So, here I sit on this day with the memories of not only my grandmother but my grandfather and my mom and right now, it's a little too much to bear but I will because really there is no other choice.
I remember the last time I saw my grandmother. Her eyesight and memory were failing and as I walked into her room, she just sat there and stared at me for a second. As I came closer to her, she said to me in a very soft, sure voice "I know your face" and I started crying because the thought of her not being able to remember me was devastating. We had a bond more like mother and daughter than grandmother and granddaughter so if she no longer had those memories of us, I am not sure I would have been able to accept that. We talked a lot about things we had done together and our favourite memories were of when she would come home after work. You see my grandparents and my parents shared a house. My grandparents lived downstairs and my parents and I lived upstairs. Every day after school, I would sit out on the step and watch for my grandmother's blue Impala to come down the street and pull into the driveway. I was just so excited to see her. We would go into the house together and she would change into her after work clothes and we would make a snack in the kitchen and then go into the living room and talk about our days. We did that every day for years and I loved it. We went shopping together and camping and to McDonald's. She taught me to cook and to sew and even to knit. We even caught frogs together when I was about 7. She carried the pail and I caught the bullfrogs. We were always together.
I remember the last words my grandmother said to me. She had never met my husband so I was telling her all about him and she looked me straight in the eye and said "Does he love you?" "Yes, nanny he does." "Does that boy make you happy?" "Yes, nanny he does." "Is that boy good to you?" "Yes, nanny he is." "Then I am happy for you both and that's all I can ask and I love you."
While not having my husband here right now has left me feeling at a loss, there is something that he said to me the night my grandmother died that I have never forgotten. He said "your memories of your grandmother are your own and nobody can take them away from you. You need to remember her in your own way. Her body may be gone but she is always with you."
So, while tomorrow will be a difficult day for me, I do take comfort in knowing that not only are my grandparents and my mother always with me, but that this will be the last anniversary I will spend without my husband and that can get me through anything.
My grandmother was born on April 3, 1920 and she was the oldest of 10 children. She was married to my grandfather for nearly 55 years before he passed away in 1995. My mother was their only child and she passed away in 2005. So, here I sit on this day with the memories of not only my grandmother but my grandfather and my mom and right now, it's a little too much to bear but I will because really there is no other choice.
I remember the last time I saw my grandmother. Her eyesight and memory were failing and as I walked into her room, she just sat there and stared at me for a second. As I came closer to her, she said to me in a very soft, sure voice "I know your face" and I started crying because the thought of her not being able to remember me was devastating. We had a bond more like mother and daughter than grandmother and granddaughter so if she no longer had those memories of us, I am not sure I would have been able to accept that. We talked a lot about things we had done together and our favourite memories were of when she would come home after work. You see my grandparents and my parents shared a house. My grandparents lived downstairs and my parents and I lived upstairs. Every day after school, I would sit out on the step and watch for my grandmother's blue Impala to come down the street and pull into the driveway. I was just so excited to see her. We would go into the house together and she would change into her after work clothes and we would make a snack in the kitchen and then go into the living room and talk about our days. We did that every day for years and I loved it. We went shopping together and camping and to McDonald's. She taught me to cook and to sew and even to knit. We even caught frogs together when I was about 7. She carried the pail and I caught the bullfrogs. We were always together.
I remember the last words my grandmother said to me. She had never met my husband so I was telling her all about him and she looked me straight in the eye and said "Does he love you?" "Yes, nanny he does." "Does that boy make you happy?" "Yes, nanny he does." "Is that boy good to you?" "Yes, nanny he is." "Then I am happy for you both and that's all I can ask and I love you."
While not having my husband here right now has left me feeling at a loss, there is something that he said to me the night my grandmother died that I have never forgotten. He said "your memories of your grandmother are your own and nobody can take them away from you. You need to remember her in your own way. Her body may be gone but she is always with you."
So, while tomorrow will be a difficult day for me, I do take comfort in knowing that not only are my grandparents and my mother always with me, but that this will be the last anniversary I will spend without my husband and that can get me through anything.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
We will always be we
Well here we are and it's the beginning of February and that means that in just about two months my husband will be coming home after being in prison for over a year and a half. I find now that we are so close to being together and having all that we have ever wanted, that time is going by at lightening speed. There is still so much that needs to get done but if I know me, and I do, it will all get done.
I have to admit that the thought of seeing my husband after nearly two years has me excited and nervous and happier than I have ever been. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't missed him more than I thought my heart could take. I have talked about him constantly, fought for him relentlessly and prayed for him nightly. I found that the only way to get through this time without him is to put my love for him and his love for me right at the centre of everything I do and to never ever forget that everything happens for a reason.
So now the for real plans are being made. Our hopes and dreams are so close to becoming reality that I can almost touch them. There is no more waiting to see if he will come home this year but rather when TDC will return him to me and believe me I am never giving him back.
As I said 6 months ago, in one of my blogs, "He is on my mind every minute of every hour of every day. We are connected. We always have been and always will be. He loves me more than words can say. I love him like no other. Together we are unstoppable. Back to back. Our love is undeniable."
While some may say that nothing in this life is certain, there is one thing that I know without a doubt is certain and that is that we will always be we and nothing else matters.
I have to admit that the thought of seeing my husband after nearly two years has me excited and nervous and happier than I have ever been. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't missed him more than I thought my heart could take. I have talked about him constantly, fought for him relentlessly and prayed for him nightly. I found that the only way to get through this time without him is to put my love for him and his love for me right at the centre of everything I do and to never ever forget that everything happens for a reason.
So now the for real plans are being made. Our hopes and dreams are so close to becoming reality that I can almost touch them. There is no more waiting to see if he will come home this year but rather when TDC will return him to me and believe me I am never giving him back.
As I said 6 months ago, in one of my blogs, "He is on my mind every minute of every hour of every day. We are connected. We always have been and always will be. He loves me more than words can say. I love him like no other. Together we are unstoppable. Back to back. Our love is undeniable."
While some may say that nothing in this life is certain, there is one thing that I know without a doubt is certain and that is that we will always be we and nothing else matters.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
Well here we are. January is almost over. I can't believe how fast this month has gone. I can only hope that the next few months go by just as fast. After a year and a half, my husband is finally coming home and while I am more than excited to see him, I am also nervous and anxious.
I have missed him every day for the last 533 days and I will continue to miss him until I see his face sometime in the next couple of months. This is our do-over and I can't wait to finally start this life with him. He has been the centre of my world since he walked through my front door in September 2009. That will never change. He is the man I trust with my life and love with my entire heart. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him and I know, without a doubt, there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me.
I won't lie and say that this time apart has been easy because there has been nothing easy about it. He is in Texas. I am in Canada. We have spoken on the phone twice in a year and we haven't seen each other since September 2010. The details of his release, at least right now, are quite sketchy. I don't know when and I don't know where but I do know that no matter when and no matter where, I will be there.
All of this waiting, stressing and struggling is just about over. With my husband's freedom comes a new set of obstacles but really after being apart for so long, there is nothing we can't handle; there is no problem too big for us. The little details will take care of themselves. We have perservered and our time has come. We will be together and nothing will stop that. Nothing will stop us.
I have been asked what I have learned through this bid with my husband and really the answer is simple. The love that I have for my husband and the love he has for me has reminded me that I am braver than I believe, stronger than I think, and to never ever...sweat the small stuff.
I have missed him every day for the last 533 days and I will continue to miss him until I see his face sometime in the next couple of months. This is our do-over and I can't wait to finally start this life with him. He has been the centre of my world since he walked through my front door in September 2009. That will never change. He is the man I trust with my life and love with my entire heart. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him and I know, without a doubt, there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me.
I won't lie and say that this time apart has been easy because there has been nothing easy about it. He is in Texas. I am in Canada. We have spoken on the phone twice in a year and we haven't seen each other since September 2010. The details of his release, at least right now, are quite sketchy. I don't know when and I don't know where but I do know that no matter when and no matter where, I will be there.
All of this waiting, stressing and struggling is just about over. With my husband's freedom comes a new set of obstacles but really after being apart for so long, there is nothing we can't handle; there is no problem too big for us. The little details will take care of themselves. We have perservered and our time has come. We will be together and nothing will stop that. Nothing will stop us.
I have been asked what I have learned through this bid with my husband and really the answer is simple. The love that I have for my husband and the love he has for me has reminded me that I am braver than I believe, stronger than I think, and to never ever...sweat the small stuff.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Climbing Mount Everest
It's been a little while since I've written because, quite honestly, I have been overwhelmed with the thought that my husband is finally coming home. In just a few short months, and after close to two years, I will finally get to put my arms around him and look him in the eye and tell him how much I love him and how much I have missed him.
It's been exactly 15 days since we were given the news that my husband made parole and I am sure that I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time. My head has been swimming with all of the things that need to be done now that he is coming home.
Time is ticking and I fear it will run out before I get everything done. It feels like there is another mountain in front of me to climb but this one is considerably smaller than the last one and this time I won't be climbing it alone. I won't deny that the first mountain felt like I was climbing Mount Everst and it was a son-of-a-bitch to conquer. My husband was coming up one side and I was coming up the other and after months and months of struggling and being apart we both finally made it to the top. We will be together and we will continue to do it our way and nothing can stop us. We have made it through the worst of it and we are stronger than ever just like I said we would be when this all started nearly two years ago. He promised he would always be OK and I promised I would move to Texas. He has kept his promise just like I knew he would and I am keeping mine and because of our love for one another and our promises to each other, I realize now that the mountain I thought was ahead of us is really just a little hill.
It's been exactly 15 days since we were given the news that my husband made parole and I am sure that I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time. My head has been swimming with all of the things that need to be done now that he is coming home.
Time is ticking and I fear it will run out before I get everything done. It feels like there is another mountain in front of me to climb but this one is considerably smaller than the last one and this time I won't be climbing it alone. I won't deny that the first mountain felt like I was climbing Mount Everst and it was a son-of-a-bitch to conquer. My husband was coming up one side and I was coming up the other and after months and months of struggling and being apart we both finally made it to the top. We will be together and we will continue to do it our way and nothing can stop us. We have made it through the worst of it and we are stronger than ever just like I said we would be when this all started nearly two years ago. He promised he would always be OK and I promised I would move to Texas. He has kept his promise just like I knew he would and I am keeping mine and because of our love for one another and our promises to each other, I realize now that the mountain I thought was ahead of us is really just a little hill.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Clearer Skies
Well it was a week ago today that I found out that my husband made parole and will be coming home within the next few months. I knew this day would come and now that it is so close I find myself going through a whole new set of emotions and feelings.
I am overwhelmed with happiness yet lonlier than I've ever been since he's been gone and that is because even though he's so close to coming home, for me it's still so far away. My anxiousness is palpable. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life the way that I want my husband. I wish that I could move through time and it was the day that he was coming home. I've imagined what that day would be like at least a thousand times and I would be willing to bet that no matter how perfect a picture I have in my head of that day, it will pale in comparison to the reality.
I've had many sleepless nights since my husband has been in prison but not like this. Before when I couldn't sleep it was worry and stress and missing him like crazy that kept me awake. Now it's quite simple what has been keeping me up and that is the thought of finally being with him the way we've always been meant to be.
On August 4, 2010, we committed to each other and I made a promise to myself and to my husband that nothing would keep me from him. We have been tested more than most but we swore that we would always stand back to back, ready to take on any and all comers that threatened our commitment to one another and together we have weathered that storm and by god after what has seemed like forever the skies are clearing and the rainbow is finally coming out! Are we the same people we were when this bid started 17 months ago? Not even close. We are better.
I am overwhelmed with happiness yet lonlier than I've ever been since he's been gone and that is because even though he's so close to coming home, for me it's still so far away. My anxiousness is palpable. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life the way that I want my husband. I wish that I could move through time and it was the day that he was coming home. I've imagined what that day would be like at least a thousand times and I would be willing to bet that no matter how perfect a picture I have in my head of that day, it will pale in comparison to the reality.
I've had many sleepless nights since my husband has been in prison but not like this. Before when I couldn't sleep it was worry and stress and missing him like crazy that kept me awake. Now it's quite simple what has been keeping me up and that is the thought of finally being with him the way we've always been meant to be.
On August 4, 2010, we committed to each other and I made a promise to myself and to my husband that nothing would keep me from him. We have been tested more than most but we swore that we would always stand back to back, ready to take on any and all comers that threatened our commitment to one another and together we have weathered that storm and by god after what has seemed like forever the skies are clearing and the rainbow is finally coming out! Are we the same people we were when this bid started 17 months ago? Not even close. We are better.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Vote is in....
If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you know that my husband has been in review for parole for a few weeks now. His file went before the parole board on December 21 and I have been on pins and needles ever since.
I've been trying to stay busy and I've been praying an awful lot and hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. The question I have always had is how do you prepare for the possibility that you might be without your husband for another year? How do you get into the right frame of mind to deal with that potential outcome? I refused to believe that I would be without him for another year. I just couldn't picture it and quite frankly, I didn't want to so when I found out that his case was finally going to a vote, I wouldn't let myself think that the worst was going to happen.
My husband was less than hopeful about being granted parole after only serving 17 months on a 12-year sentence. I had always told him that I had hope enough for both of us and on more than one occassion he had said that hope is a sucker's bet. I know as sure as I am sitting here, that he was trying to prepare himself for the possibility that he would not be coming home this year.
You see, my husband would rather suffer through something than ask for help and he sure as hell would never hope for anything. He has always lived by the code that "if it's meant to be then it's up to me" and this time would be no different. He made a promise to me very early on that he would do whatever was necessary to come home to me as soon as the parole board would let him and he more than kept that promise. He did everything that was expected of him and then some. He became a trustee within the first six months of getting to prison; he held the highest job on his unit and in the 17 months that he has been in prison, he has been written up only once for being out of place but he appealed and won so the case was dismissed.
When it came time to parole, I really think my husband humored me when I suggested hiring a parole attorney to represent him. He knew I wouldn't back down and that it was useless to fight me. I swore that I would do whatever I could to level the playing field for him and if that meant hiring another lawyer, then I would. My husband had told me that all legal decisions were mine so I did what I thought was best for him and for us.
There is no greater feeling of helplessness than knowing that the fate of the man you love more than anything is in someone else's hands but I had to accept that it was out of my control and that was very hard for me. I had given my husband's parole attorney everything he had asked for and then some but was it enough? Did I forget anything? Had I really left no stone unturned? Did I do all I could? Hell ya I did! My husband was granted parole this morning and he will be home in a few short months.
So while to some, hope is a sucker's bet, when you square it up the way my husband did, there's no way you can lose.
I've been trying to stay busy and I've been praying an awful lot and hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. The question I have always had is how do you prepare for the possibility that you might be without your husband for another year? How do you get into the right frame of mind to deal with that potential outcome? I refused to believe that I would be without him for another year. I just couldn't picture it and quite frankly, I didn't want to so when I found out that his case was finally going to a vote, I wouldn't let myself think that the worst was going to happen.
My husband was less than hopeful about being granted parole after only serving 17 months on a 12-year sentence. I had always told him that I had hope enough for both of us and on more than one occassion he had said that hope is a sucker's bet. I know as sure as I am sitting here, that he was trying to prepare himself for the possibility that he would not be coming home this year.
You see, my husband would rather suffer through something than ask for help and he sure as hell would never hope for anything. He has always lived by the code that "if it's meant to be then it's up to me" and this time would be no different. He made a promise to me very early on that he would do whatever was necessary to come home to me as soon as the parole board would let him and he more than kept that promise. He did everything that was expected of him and then some. He became a trustee within the first six months of getting to prison; he held the highest job on his unit and in the 17 months that he has been in prison, he has been written up only once for being out of place but he appealed and won so the case was dismissed.
When it came time to parole, I really think my husband humored me when I suggested hiring a parole attorney to represent him. He knew I wouldn't back down and that it was useless to fight me. I swore that I would do whatever I could to level the playing field for him and if that meant hiring another lawyer, then I would. My husband had told me that all legal decisions were mine so I did what I thought was best for him and for us.
There is no greater feeling of helplessness than knowing that the fate of the man you love more than anything is in someone else's hands but I had to accept that it was out of my control and that was very hard for me. I had given my husband's parole attorney everything he had asked for and then some but was it enough? Did I forget anything? Had I really left no stone unturned? Did I do all I could? Hell ya I did! My husband was granted parole this morning and he will be home in a few short months.
So while to some, hope is a sucker's bet, when you square it up the way my husband did, there's no way you can lose.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Waiting Game
On Wednesday December 21, I received an email that I thought would never come. My husband's parole attorney contacted me to say that he had presented my husband's file to the Parole Board and that we should have a decision in about a week.
When my husband first went to prison almost 17 months ago, I knew when he would be eligible for parole so I set out to find the best parole attorney that I could afford. I was relentless in my search for the perfect person to entrust with my husband's life and our future. I researched parole lawyers until I became an expert in who they are and what they do. I checked out websites and references, sent emails and made phone call after phone call until I found, what I consider to be, the perfect man to represent my husband.
How did I know he was the one? Well for one thing, his office called me back within 30 minutes of receiving my email and to me that was huge. His assistant was very kind and considerate to the fact that I was so far away from my husband and reassured me that everything would be alright. We spoke for quite a while and not only did he reassure me but he never once mentioned money which I truly appreciated. He explained the process to me and what needed to be done. By the end of our call, I had pretty much made up my mind that this would be the firm to represent my husband. Now the question was would my husband agree? My husband has always been less than trustful of lawyers so how this one presented himself to him would be the deciding factor. If he didn't come across as genuine then I knew it would be a no-go and it would be back to square one. I would not go against what my husband wanted because I trusted his judgement more than I trusted my own.
My husband was sent a questionnaire and about two months later he met with this attorney at his unit. His opinion of this lawyer was bang on with my own. He said the lawyer seemed very genuine and knowledgeable and when I asked if he wanted me to hire him, all he said was "I trust you with my life and nobody wants me out more than you so this decision is yours." You see it is that blind faith that we have in each other that makes us "we". I will do whatever is necessary to protect him and there is not a doubt in my mind that he would do the very same thing for me.
My husband is eligible for parole very early in the New Year so it was very crucial that we started preparing as early as possible so I immediately set to work getting together everything that the lawyer would need for his presentation to the Parole Board. After several months I had it all; everything and then some. Nothing was left to chance and I left no stone unturned. Now that the file was complete, we would have to wait for the parole review process to begin. My husband finally met with the Institutional Parole Officer on his unit December 5 and his attorney made his presentation to the Parole Board on December 21.
So, all of this waiting and wondering, struggling and stressing, missing and crying has come down to this one moment. It's judgement week and while I can't talk to my husband and reassure him, I know he is thinking about me just like he knows I am thinking about him and while this is by far the most stressful thing that has happened to us in the last 17 months, we...will always be...we. No matter what.
When my husband first went to prison almost 17 months ago, I knew when he would be eligible for parole so I set out to find the best parole attorney that I could afford. I was relentless in my search for the perfect person to entrust with my husband's life and our future. I researched parole lawyers until I became an expert in who they are and what they do. I checked out websites and references, sent emails and made phone call after phone call until I found, what I consider to be, the perfect man to represent my husband.
How did I know he was the one? Well for one thing, his office called me back within 30 minutes of receiving my email and to me that was huge. His assistant was very kind and considerate to the fact that I was so far away from my husband and reassured me that everything would be alright. We spoke for quite a while and not only did he reassure me but he never once mentioned money which I truly appreciated. He explained the process to me and what needed to be done. By the end of our call, I had pretty much made up my mind that this would be the firm to represent my husband. Now the question was would my husband agree? My husband has always been less than trustful of lawyers so how this one presented himself to him would be the deciding factor. If he didn't come across as genuine then I knew it would be a no-go and it would be back to square one. I would not go against what my husband wanted because I trusted his judgement more than I trusted my own.
My husband was sent a questionnaire and about two months later he met with this attorney at his unit. His opinion of this lawyer was bang on with my own. He said the lawyer seemed very genuine and knowledgeable and when I asked if he wanted me to hire him, all he said was "I trust you with my life and nobody wants me out more than you so this decision is yours." You see it is that blind faith that we have in each other that makes us "we". I will do whatever is necessary to protect him and there is not a doubt in my mind that he would do the very same thing for me.
My husband is eligible for parole very early in the New Year so it was very crucial that we started preparing as early as possible so I immediately set to work getting together everything that the lawyer would need for his presentation to the Parole Board. After several months I had it all; everything and then some. Nothing was left to chance and I left no stone unturned. Now that the file was complete, we would have to wait for the parole review process to begin. My husband finally met with the Institutional Parole Officer on his unit December 5 and his attorney made his presentation to the Parole Board on December 21.
So, all of this waiting and wondering, struggling and stressing, missing and crying has come down to this one moment. It's judgement week and while I can't talk to my husband and reassure him, I know he is thinking about me just like he knows I am thinking about him and while this is by far the most stressful thing that has happened to us in the last 17 months, we...will always be...we. No matter what.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Christmas Wish
It’s been a little while since I’ve posted and that’s partly because life has gotten in the way but also because this time of year, which should be a time of celebration and family and togetherness, has just reminded me that my family is not whole this year.
This is the first year that I will be without my mother, both of my grandparents and my husband and that reality is hitting me like a tonne of bricks. I am overwhelmed at the thought that the three people that helped to make me the woman I am today are no longer on this earth and the most important man in my life, my husband, is in another country sitting in prison for Christmas with his closest family 3,000 miles away.
For weeks, I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it’s just not working. The shopping, the wrapping, the baking and the Christmas music just doesn’t seem to make a difference this year and while I am thankful for what I do have and that is a husband that loves me more than his own life and 4 children that are every bit the image of their mother and father, I want more. What some take for granted would be a Christmas miracle for me. My Christmas wish would be to have my husband home and not just on Christmas but every day. I want his face to be the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see every night. I want to hear him say I love you every day and I want to see the love he has for me in his eyes when he says it. I want to sit down to dinner at the table with him and talk about nothing. I want to go for a walk with him and I want to hold his hand. I want to go for a long Sunday drive to nowhere in particular and I want to sit with him by a fire and watch the sun rise and set. But what I wish for most is to never miss him again because I have done nothing but miss him since August 4, 2010.
So, while this Christmas will undoubtedly be the hardest Christmas I have ever had, it also brings with it the promise of a better life to come; a life of happiness, togetherness and more love than I have ever had in my life. I just have to hold on a little while longer knowing that my Christmas wish is just going to be a little late this year but it is coming.
This is the first year that I will be without my mother, both of my grandparents and my husband and that reality is hitting me like a tonne of bricks. I am overwhelmed at the thought that the three people that helped to make me the woman I am today are no longer on this earth and the most important man in my life, my husband, is in another country sitting in prison for Christmas with his closest family 3,000 miles away.
For weeks, I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it’s just not working. The shopping, the wrapping, the baking and the Christmas music just doesn’t seem to make a difference this year and while I am thankful for what I do have and that is a husband that loves me more than his own life and 4 children that are every bit the image of their mother and father, I want more. What some take for granted would be a Christmas miracle for me. My Christmas wish would be to have my husband home and not just on Christmas but every day. I want his face to be the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see every night. I want to hear him say I love you every day and I want to see the love he has for me in his eyes when he says it. I want to sit down to dinner at the table with him and talk about nothing. I want to go for a walk with him and I want to hold his hand. I want to go for a long Sunday drive to nowhere in particular and I want to sit with him by a fire and watch the sun rise and set. But what I wish for most is to never miss him again because I have done nothing but miss him since August 4, 2010.
So, while this Christmas will undoubtedly be the hardest Christmas I have ever had, it also brings with it the promise of a better life to come; a life of happiness, togetherness and more love than I have ever had in my life. I just have to hold on a little while longer knowing that my Christmas wish is just going to be a little late this year but it is coming.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
What are you gonna do?
By now, most of you have read my husband's guest post and by the number of hits it's received, it seems to have had a significant impact on those that follow my blog but it has had no greater impact than on me.
A few weeks ago, I asked my husband if he wouldn't mind writing something for this blog because I thought it might be nice for all of you to hear from the man I write about in his own words. I told him that he could write about anything he wanted. I never really thought he would write anything because it's one thing for him to tell me how he feels but it's another thing entirely to tell the whole world so I was surprised when, in a letter that he sent me, I noticed a single stand out paper with the words "My blog" written on the top.
As I read the words he had written, I was immediately taken back to the days that my husband was being hunted by the law and the desperation he was feeling. I remember his phone calls. I remember the worry I felt and I sure remember how close he came to not being here. He had always said that he would rather die than go to jail. I remember hearing the desperation in his voice when he would call just to see if I was alright. I remember the fear and the absolute helplessness that I felt trying to convince my husband that he was the most important thing in my life and how I needed him to be here. Those four days that he was gone were the worst days of my life. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I paced the floor waiting for his next call not knowing where he was at any given moment or if he was alive or dead.
I remember meeting my husband in his attorney's office and him asking "what are you gonna do when they take me back to Texas" and without hesitation I said "move to Texas". I really didn't think he believed me at first because he shook his head with this little grin of doubt on his face. I told him that when I said I was all in, I meant it. I meant it then and I mean it now. My husband was then and will always be one of the most important things in my life right alongside our 4 children.
That would not be the first test we would face as husband and wife. My husband would subsequently be deported from Canada and then extradited back to Texas where he is now 3,000 miles away from me.
Over these last 16 months, he has come to never doubt my commitment to him and to our family. There is nothing more important to me in this life than my husband and children and I am sure that on more than one occasion I have shown him my true colours and while I am a Canadian to the core, my heart belongs to a Texan sitting in a Texas prison.
A few weeks ago, I asked my husband if he wouldn't mind writing something for this blog because I thought it might be nice for all of you to hear from the man I write about in his own words. I told him that he could write about anything he wanted. I never really thought he would write anything because it's one thing for him to tell me how he feels but it's another thing entirely to tell the whole world so I was surprised when, in a letter that he sent me, I noticed a single stand out paper with the words "My blog" written on the top.
As I read the words he had written, I was immediately taken back to the days that my husband was being hunted by the law and the desperation he was feeling. I remember his phone calls. I remember the worry I felt and I sure remember how close he came to not being here. He had always said that he would rather die than go to jail. I remember hearing the desperation in his voice when he would call just to see if I was alright. I remember the fear and the absolute helplessness that I felt trying to convince my husband that he was the most important thing in my life and how I needed him to be here. Those four days that he was gone were the worst days of my life. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I paced the floor waiting for his next call not knowing where he was at any given moment or if he was alive or dead.
I remember meeting my husband in his attorney's office and him asking "what are you gonna do when they take me back to Texas" and without hesitation I said "move to Texas". I really didn't think he believed me at first because he shook his head with this little grin of doubt on his face. I told him that when I said I was all in, I meant it. I meant it then and I mean it now. My husband was then and will always be one of the most important things in my life right alongside our 4 children.
That would not be the first test we would face as husband and wife. My husband would subsequently be deported from Canada and then extradited back to Texas where he is now 3,000 miles away from me.
Over these last 16 months, he has come to never doubt my commitment to him and to our family. There is nothing more important to me in this life than my husband and children and I am sure that on more than one occasion I have shown him my true colours and while I am a Canadian to the core, my heart belongs to a Texan sitting in a Texas prison.
Monday, December 05, 2011
Guest post by my husband, Cody
Well Kim has asked me to write a little something for her blog. I'm not as eloquent with the formation of words as she is but I'm going to put pen to paper and see what comes out.
"A soulmate is an ongoing connection with another individual that the soul picks up again in various times and places over our lifetimes. We are attracted to another person at a soul level not because that person is our unique complement but because by being with that individual we are somehow provided with an impetus to become whole ourselves."
This quote is important to me because anyone can be a wife or a husband. However, soulmates are hard to find. I've found mine in Kim. It took me a while to find her; 37 years and a different country but I did. I wasn't always a good guy. In fact, I danced with the devil quite often throughout my life.
There were times I didn't want to live anymore. I just wanted to give up. Kim knows how close I was to jumping off to the end and as I sat there having my debate with the devil and the angel one thing stopped me - Kim. She wasn't physically there but she was in my heart. I had finally found her and not long after, the law found me. I swore I'd never go to jail and that I'd rather die than do time. I was on the run and I put her through hell. I had to make a decision so I just thought about her - her smile, her smell, her patience with a man set in his ways; the way we talked about everything, something I've never been able to do; how she didn't judge me. She loved me. She stood up for me when no one would.
I had asked her one day, trying to push her away, "what are you gonna do when they take me back to Texas?" All she said was "move to Texas". In that instant, I knew she would. I knew I would have to go through some hard years to get back to my soulmate. How could I be a coward when she was so strong? Let's just say the devil lost and my Irish Angel prevailed.
Literally, I owe Kim my life, but it's our life now. Somehow she made me a "we". I don't think about my past anymore because my future is too bright. Kim filled a big hole in my heart. I truly wish everyone could find what I've found. She made me whole which brings me back to the original quote.
Now, to my sweet Irish Angel: "I love you like crazy and nothing else matters. I'll be home soon baby. Till then see you in my dreams."
Cody
"A soulmate is an ongoing connection with another individual that the soul picks up again in various times and places over our lifetimes. We are attracted to another person at a soul level not because that person is our unique complement but because by being with that individual we are somehow provided with an impetus to become whole ourselves."
This quote is important to me because anyone can be a wife or a husband. However, soulmates are hard to find. I've found mine in Kim. It took me a while to find her; 37 years and a different country but I did. I wasn't always a good guy. In fact, I danced with the devil quite often throughout my life.
There were times I didn't want to live anymore. I just wanted to give up. Kim knows how close I was to jumping off to the end and as I sat there having my debate with the devil and the angel one thing stopped me - Kim. She wasn't physically there but she was in my heart. I had finally found her and not long after, the law found me. I swore I'd never go to jail and that I'd rather die than do time. I was on the run and I put her through hell. I had to make a decision so I just thought about her - her smile, her smell, her patience with a man set in his ways; the way we talked about everything, something I've never been able to do; how she didn't judge me. She loved me. She stood up for me when no one would.
I had asked her one day, trying to push her away, "what are you gonna do when they take me back to Texas?" All she said was "move to Texas". In that instant, I knew she would. I knew I would have to go through some hard years to get back to my soulmate. How could I be a coward when she was so strong? Let's just say the devil lost and my Irish Angel prevailed.
Literally, I owe Kim my life, but it's our life now. Somehow she made me a "we". I don't think about my past anymore because my future is too bright. Kim filled a big hole in my heart. I truly wish everyone could find what I've found. She made me whole which brings me back to the original quote.
Now, to my sweet Irish Angel: "I love you like crazy and nothing else matters. I'll be home soon baby. Till then see you in my dreams."
Cody
Thursday, December 01, 2011
The Quest
I received two letters yesterday from my husband which, just like always, made my day. I am usually writing about how I feel about him but today I thought I would give him the floor and allow him to express how he feels about me. So, here is a small excerpt from one of the letters I received yesterday.
"I hope you know that you can always take my hand and I will try to make it better. That's my sole purpose in the rest of this life we have - to bring you joy. I think about my past and how I was to women. It's like I knew that they weren't you. I didn't even know you but for some reason my mind knew. That's why my journey has been so long. We were so far apart for so long but I never lost the picture I had in my head of the perfect woman for me. I had given up and was going to go through life miserable. You made me want to live again. Live for me, for us, for our kids. I realized I would have it all; everything I'd been searching for. That's why when you said you'd come to Texas I knew that even the devil couldn't stop us. I got the devil's number and he lost and I won. That's why the hell I'm in now I know will be worth it. I already know. I won. Now I'm going to get all that's mine. Nothing can stop me because I have you. I'm in prison and this is the first time I've been free in years, if ever. I want you to feel that way too.
I promise next life I'm going to find you sooner. Of course, it took my 38 years and another country to find you so maybe next time you can be in my hometown and we can be highschool sweethearts. I'm just really glad I found you is all. All I know is now that I've found you, I'd rather die than go without you. I want you to know that.
I love the Tim McGraw song "Everywhere" and you're right that it used to remind me of someone. That someone has always been you; your soul, your aura, you. Now I just have a beautiful face to go with the rest. I hope you see. As bad as I've been, it's been my quest for you that made me that way. I'm glad I never stopped looking. One day I hope our kids find what we have. I hope they know what we went through for each other. Love isn't dead. The quest for it is. I did it though. I never stopped and neither did you. We have it all in each other.
I love you."
"I hope you know that you can always take my hand and I will try to make it better. That's my sole purpose in the rest of this life we have - to bring you joy. I think about my past and how I was to women. It's like I knew that they weren't you. I didn't even know you but for some reason my mind knew. That's why my journey has been so long. We were so far apart for so long but I never lost the picture I had in my head of the perfect woman for me. I had given up and was going to go through life miserable. You made me want to live again. Live for me, for us, for our kids. I realized I would have it all; everything I'd been searching for. That's why when you said you'd come to Texas I knew that even the devil couldn't stop us. I got the devil's number and he lost and I won. That's why the hell I'm in now I know will be worth it. I already know. I won. Now I'm going to get all that's mine. Nothing can stop me because I have you. I'm in prison and this is the first time I've been free in years, if ever. I want you to feel that way too.
I promise next life I'm going to find you sooner. Of course, it took my 38 years and another country to find you so maybe next time you can be in my hometown and we can be highschool sweethearts. I'm just really glad I found you is all. All I know is now that I've found you, I'd rather die than go without you. I want you to know that.
I love the Tim McGraw song "Everywhere" and you're right that it used to remind me of someone. That someone has always been you; your soul, your aura, you. Now I just have a beautiful face to go with the rest. I hope you see. As bad as I've been, it's been my quest for you that made me that way. I'm glad I never stopped looking. One day I hope our kids find what we have. I hope they know what we went through for each other. Love isn't dead. The quest for it is. I did it though. I never stopped and neither did you. We have it all in each other.
I love you."
~~ Everywhere ~~ by Tim McGraw
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