Saturday, March 12, 2016

When does it stop?

It's been a little over 6 months since my husband, Cody, committed suicide and while some days are better than others, there are some days that test my resolve to stay the course. I find myself just sitting and thinking...thinking about what could have been, what should have been, what isn't and won't ever be.

The truth of the matter is that Cody and I had been estranged for about a year before he committed suicide. I had moved back to Canada and he was still in Texas. For the first few months after I returned home to Canada, he would call and ask me to come back to Texas saying "I miss my wife" but it just wasn't something that I could do although I thought about it all the time. Truth is, I missed my husband. Not being with him left a huge hole in my heart. Afterall, I had squared it up all that time he was in prison and I was more than ready for my life with him and I knew he was ready for his life with me.

Anyone that has followed my blog with any regularity knows that a while back when he was in prison, Cody, wrote a post for my blog and in it he talked about having a conversation with the devil on one side and an angel on the other side. He had thought about suicide then and decided that his life with me was worth all of the fear, the stress, and the time apart that we would both go through and for a while it was exactly how we envisioned it would be.

Little by little, the devil crept back into his life, into his mind and into his heart and there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do to convince him that the angel he claimed I was, was enough to fight the demons that would eventually be the reason he took his own life. So here I am, 6 months after his death thinking, hurting and always wondering did I do enough for him? Did I try hard enough? Did I love him enough? At some point, and I haven't come to that point yet, but at some point, I will have to let my guilt and my hurt go and realize that I did do enough. I did try hard enough and I did love him enough...the devil just loved him more!