Thursday, March 29, 2012

So close yet still so far

I am sitting here in my pyjamas and I should be excited to be leaving for Texas in four days and to be picking my husband up in six days but I am not. I found out last night that there was a possibility that my husband might not be coming home when we originally thought and today that was confirmed.

His release day has been delayed by nine days and while to some that may not seem like a lot, to me it is a lifetime. I have not seen my husband in a year and a half and I miss him most days more than my heart can take so this delay is a huge disappointment for me.

All the plans that I have made, the flights, the hotels, the car rental and child care must now all be changed and may need to be changed again if TDC decides to change his out date yet again. I miss my husband and I want to see him and I want to see him in six days not 15 days.

My husband has been through more in this lifetime than any other man that I know. He is a survivor and most, if not all of what he has been through, has been alone. This is the one time in his life that he has someone that loves him unconditionally and would go to hell and back for him and the fact that he now has to wait an additional nine days to be released from prison is no doubt very disappointing for him as well.

While this setback could and maybe should have me questionning my resolve and if I have what it takes to see it through to the end, I will not now or ever let anyone keep me from my husband. He will always know that he can count on me and that I will never let him down. No matter what, we are we and it is that commitment and unwavering faith we have in each other that will get us through this. Together, we are unstoppable.

While my husband may just be a number to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, he is much more than that to me. He is my best friend, my partner and the love of my life but more importantly he is now and will always be...the best man I know...still.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Me and You

It's a little after 9:00pm and I am sitting in my room trying to write you a letter and listening to some music. I heard a song today that I haven't heard before and it really tells the story of you and me perfectly.

Ever since you were given your out date, I have done nothing but think about these past 19 months without you and I often wonder how I have gotten through this time without my husband and best friend. I am not sure that the answer is as complicated as strength, commitment or having faith. It's much more basic than that. I think it's as simple as I love you and would do whatever it takes to be with you.  If there is any reason at all that I am still here and still standing that is it.

Strength alone cannot get you through this time and maybe if I were a different kind of woman, I would have packed in a long time ago but what you and I have is far from ordinary. We have the kind of love that people dream of and wish for. Has this time without you been easy? Not even a little. Is it worth every sleepless night and every tear that I have cried? Hell ya!

In a little over a week you will finally be free and we will be together. We have weathered this storm together and we are unstoppable. We are connected. We always have been but more importantly we were meant to be me and you.

I love you Cody and I'll see you when I see you.

~~ Me and You ~~ by Kenny Chesney

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Missing her still

Well today is March 17, 2012 and this marks the 7th birthday that I have spent without my mother. As anyone who has read my blog with any regularity knows, my mother died unexpectedly in November 2005.

Her birthday is today and even though it has been 7 years, it still feels like it was just yesterday that I said I love you for what would be the last time.

In a letter that I sent to my husband last week, I was telling him how much I missed my mom and I asked him when this would get easier and while I haven't received his reply yet, I am sure he is going to say something like "I know this day is going to be hard on you. Just know that I am with you always and so are your memories of your mother. No one can take those away from you." I think he will also say something like "I don't think that this day will ever be easy for you but I do think it will become more bearable as time goes on." Yes. That's what I think he will say. I think he will also remind me that this is the last one that I will spend without him and that gives me great comfort.

Knowing that my husband is always with me, even from 3,000 miles away has given me the strength that I have needed to get through all these days without him. I just keep reminding myself how truely fortunate I am to have him in my life not only as my husband but as my very best friend.

There isn't a doubt in my mind that my mother would have loved my husband and he would have loved her. While their love of football would have surely connected them, I think that their love for me would have cemented them. My husband told me once that one day they would meet and he would get the chance to thank her for giving him me. So, even though my mother has been gone for 7 years, I am now and will always be...missing her...still.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

The Last Call

Well after 109 days I finally got my last five minute call from my husband. It was 10:10pm and I was just about asleep - you know when you are not quite awake but not quite asleep either. I sleep with the phone right by my bed so when the phone rang long distance I grabbed it on the second ring. I didn't recognize the area code but I knew it had to be my husband.

I quickly answered and I heard the operator say "You have a collect call. Press one to accept the charges." I was so nervous that I had to look twice at the phone to be sure I was pressing the number one and once I was sure I held it there for a good few seconds so that there would be no doubt that I hit the number.

When I said hello there was no answer so I immediately thought that I hadn't held the button down long enough and that he wouldn't be able to call back. I said "hello" for a second time and there it was - the voice I had longed to hear for the past 109 days saying "hey". It was just like I remembered - so strong and sure and so very comforting to hear. His voice absolutely melted my heart.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I did a little bit of both. I wanted to remember everything he said but really all I focussed on was the sound of his voice. I knew if I cried too much that our five minutes would be wasted so I did my best to hold it all in and I think I did a pretty good job of it until my husband said "ok baby we have one minute left so if there's anything you want to say to me you gotta say it now". I immediately felt the tears welling up just as I feel them right now as I am writing this and just like every time before this, all I could say to him was "I love you" and "I miss you" and all he could say to me was "I love you too. Tell the girls I love them" and "I'll see ya when I see ya".

I have missed hearing my husband's voice every day for the last 19 months and while it will only be a matter of weeks until I hear it again, for me it will be an eternity.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

The Little Things

Here we are and it's Sunday again. So, that means my husband is one more week closer to coming home. I find that's the best way to look at things. Glass half full and not half empty.

Ever since my husband was granted parole, I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head that maybe most people who don't have a spouse in prison take for granted. One of the things that I can't stop thinking about is the sound of his voice. I have heard my husband's voice twice in the last year and I miss it. I miss the way he says "hey baby what's up?" and I sure as hell miss the way he says "I love you". The last time I heard him say that was November 17, 2011. I also wonder what he looks like now and how much he may have changed. Undoubtedly, he, like every other inmate has lost weight and maybe aged a little bit under the stress and strain of every day prison life but one thing I know for sure and that is that nothing will ever change the way I feel about him.

I would imagine that, after all this time, he is just as anxious and nervous to see me as I am to see him. It's been nearly two years since we have seen each other so I would be willing to bet that the first time we see each other will be overwhelming for both of us and honestly I can't wait for that moment. The moment when our eyes meet for the first time and we finally get to say everything that we have wanted to say to each other for so long and to finally be able to say it in person and not through a letter or a five minute phone call. I don't want to forget anything about that moment and I doubt I ever will because that moment in time will be the start of our life together and there is no looking back from that point on.

Like I said in one of the first blogs that I ever wrote: some go to prison hard and come out harder, some go to prison hard and come out better. My husband went in hard and while prison may have changed some things about him temporarily, the very heart of the man that I love remains and that only reinforces what I have always known; not even prison will change who he is and that is still the best man I know.