Saturday, June 17, 2017

What's my purpose?

Yesterday, I received a comment on my blog and as I sat there reading it, I wondered if this blog was still serving a purpose. The reason I started this blog so many years ago was because my husband was in prison in Texas and I needed a way to try and deal with that so I decided to write things down and before I knew it, this blog was born and, I have to say, it has been quite therapeutic for me. I was able to document how I felt, what I was going through and, it seems, help a few people as well.

If you have followed my blog at all, you already know that my husband, Cody, took his life on September 5, 2015 and I have missed him every day since. I miss what was and what could have been. I miss celebrating his birthday and Father's Day, even though he hated a fuss. I miss Christmas with him and all of the other holidays that come and go but most of all I miss just standing in the kitchen and talking. It was one of his most favourite things to do. I miss his voice. I miss that southern drawl he had and I miss when he used to say "can I ask you a question?" Will this sadness ever go away? Will the guilt that I feel for not being there for him ever lift? Did my husband know, I mean really know, that I loved him? For now, these questions remain unanswered. I would like to think that my feelings of sadness and guilt will continue to lessen with each passing day but right now I can't escape what I feel and that's OK. Feeling these things reminds me that I loved hard and I loved well and there is no guilt or sadness surrounding that.

I want this blog to be a reminder, not only to me but to anyone else in a similar situation, that nothing in this life is impossible if you just believe.

Keep your head up and your heart strong!


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