Saturday, June 17, 2017

What's my purpose?

Yesterday, I received a comment on my blog and as I sat there reading it, I wondered if this blog was still serving a purpose. The reason I started this blog so many years ago was because my husband was in prison in Texas and I needed a way to try and deal with that so I decided to write things down and before I knew it, this blog was born and, I have to say, it has been quite therapeutic for me. I was able to document how I felt, what I was going through and, it seems, help a few people as well.

If you have followed my blog at all, you already know that my husband, Cody, took his life on September 5, 2015 and I have missed him every day since. I miss what was and what could have been. I miss celebrating his birthday and Father's Day, even though he hated a fuss. I miss Christmas with him and all of the other holidays that come and go but most of all I miss just standing in the kitchen and talking. It was one of his most favourite things to do. I miss his voice. I miss that southern drawl he had and I miss when he used to say "can I ask you a question?" Will this sadness ever go away? Will the guilt that I feel for not being there for him ever lift? Did my husband know, I mean really know, that I loved him? For now, these questions remain unanswered. I would like to think that my feelings of sadness and guilt will continue to lessen with each passing day but right now I can't escape what I feel and that's OK. Feeling these things reminds me that I loved hard and I loved well and there is no guilt or sadness surrounding that.

I want this blog to be a reminder, not only to me but to anyone else in a similar situation, that nothing in this life is impossible if you just believe.

Keep your head up and your heart strong!


3 comments:

  1. I'm very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you. A couple things crossed my mind reading you post. If you ever told him you loved him, if you stood by him, then he knew you loved him. Depression which can lead to suicide is such a misunderstood mental health issue. I hope you know that it was not your fault and it was not his fault. I think of depression as an illness inhibiting one's brain from operating correctly, just like a broken leg. When someone has a broken leg no one expects them to play basketball. When someone has no energy because they are getting chemo, no one expects them to take the kids to Disney all day. Depression robs people of their ability to make rational decisions. It's not your husband's fault that his brain wasn't working. I wish you peace.

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