Me and You

It's a little after 9:00pm and I am sitting in my room trying to write you a letter and listening to some music. I heard a song today that I haven't heard before and it really tells the story of you and me perfectly.

Ever since you were given your out date, I have done nothing but think about these past 19 months without you and I often wonder how I have gotten through this time without my husband and best friend. I am not sure that the answer is as complicated as strength, commitment or having faith. It's much more basic than that. I think it's as simple as I love you and would do whatever it takes to be with you.  If there is any reason at all that I am still here and still standing that is it.

Strength alone cannot get you through this time and maybe if I were a different kind of woman, I would have packed in a long time ago but what you and I have is far from ordinary. We have the kind of love that people dream of and wish for. Has this time without you been easy? Not even a little. Is it worth every sleepless night and every tear that I have cried? Hell ya!

In a little over a week you will finally be free and we will be together. We have weathered this storm together and we are unstoppable. We are connected. We always have been but more importantly we were meant to be me and you.

I love you Cody and I'll see you when I see you.

~~ Me and You ~~ by Kenny Chesney

The Last Call

Well after 109 days I finally got my last five minute call from my husband. It was 10:10pm and I was just about asleep - you know when you are not quite awake but not quite asleep either. I sleep with the phone right by my bed so when the phone rang long distance I grabbed it on the second ring. I didn't recognize the area code but I knew it had to be my husband.

I quickly answered and I heard the operator say "You have a collect call. Press one to accept the charges." I was so nervous that I had to look twice at the phone to be sure I was pressing the number one and once I was sure I held it there for a good few seconds so that there would be no doubt that I hit the number.

When I said hello there was no answer so I immediately thought that I hadn't held the button down long enough and that he wouldn't be able to call back. I said "hello" for a second time and there it was - the voice I had longed to hear for the past 109 days saying "hey". It was just like I remembered - so strong and sure and so very comforting to hear. His voice absolutely melted my heart.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I did a little bit of both. I wanted to remember everything he said but really all I focussed on was the sound of his voice. I knew if I cried too much that our five minutes would be wasted so I did my best to hold it all in and I think I did a pretty good job of it until my husband said "ok baby we have one minute left so if there's anything you want to say to me you gotta say it now". I immediately felt the tears welling up just as I feel them right now as I am writing this and just like every time before this, all I could say to him was "I love you" and "I miss you" and all he could say to me was "I love you too. Tell the girls I love them" and "I'll see ya when I see ya".

I have missed hearing my husband's voice every day for the last 19 months and while it will only be a matter of weeks until I hear it again, for me it will be an eternity.

The Little Things

Here we are and it's Sunday again. So, that means my husband is one more week closer to coming home. I find that's the best way to look at things. Glass half full and not half empty.

Ever since my husband was granted parole, I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head that maybe most people who don't have a spouse in prison take for granted. One of the things that I can't stop thinking about is the sound of his voice. I have heard my husband's voice twice in the last year and I miss it. I miss the way he says "hey baby what's up?" and I sure as hell miss the way he says "I love you". The last time I heard him say that was November 17, 2011. I also wonder what he looks like now and how much he may have changed. Undoubtedly, he, like every other inmate has lost weight and maybe aged a little bit under the stress and strain of every day prison life but one thing I know for sure and that is that nothing will ever change the way I feel about him.

I would imagine that, after all this time, he is just as anxious and nervous to see me as I am to see him. It's been nearly two years since we have seen each other so I would be willing to bet that the first time we see each other will be overwhelming for both of us and honestly I can't wait for that moment. The moment when our eyes meet for the first time and we finally get to say everything that we have wanted to say to each other for so long and to finally be able to say it in person and not through a letter or a five minute phone call. I don't want to forget anything about that moment and I doubt I ever will because that moment in time will be the start of our life together and there is no looking back from that point on.

Like I said in one of the first blogs that I ever wrote: some go to prison hard and come out harder, some go to prison hard and come out better. My husband went in hard and while prison may have changed some things about him temporarily, the very heart of the man that I love remains and that only reinforces what I have always known; not even prison will change who he is and that is still the best man I know.

Keep getting up

As I sit here this morning, reading through all of my facebook posts, emails and blog comments, I am reminded how hard this journey is for the loved ones of those doing time. This blog is dedicated to those of you who are struggling to find the strength to get through this time away from the ones you love most.

I have often been told how strong I am to be doing this time without my husband or the support of my familly and while receiving a comment like "you are one of the strongest people I have met on this road so far!!" is very flattering, it is also very humbling.

I am no stronger than any of you. I am no different. Yes, my husband is in prison 3,000 miles away and yes I haven't seen him in over a year and a half and I haven't talked to him in over 3 months but does that make me stronger than any of you? No it doesn't. We all have our crosses to bear in this life we have chosen and no one person's pain is any greater or less than the others. You are all strong men and women. You just don't know it yet.

I have heard a lot of people asking God to give them the strength to endure what they must because of the life they have chosen and while prayer is always beneficial, I am a firm believer that God doesn't make you strong; the circumstances God gives you do. You will either rise to the challenge or fall flat on your face and if you do fall you must rise again and again and again.

Choosing to love an inmate is just that - a choice - and nothing about it will be easy. The time, the distance, the worry, the stress and the limited communication are enough to keep the strongest person down. However, if there is anything that you will learn throughout this journey it is that you are stronger than you think you are and stronger than anyone gives you credit for.

It's the easiest thing in the world to stay down when you have fallen. It takes true strength to keep getting back up. So to all of you who have fallen, remember this. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself. You will have days when you are squared up and ready to take on the world and you will have days when all you want to do is stay in bed with the covers over your head.

I guarantee that you will have more strong days than weak ones. How do I know? Because I have been where all of you are and I am still standing. This bid with my husband has not broken me so don't you dare let it break any of you either. It's ok to fall once in a while and it's ok to feel weak. You just always, always have to...keep gettin up!

We will always be we

Well here we are and it's the beginning of February and that means that in just about two months my husband will be coming home after being in prison for over a year and a half. I find now that we are so close to being together and having all that we have ever wanted, that time is going by at lightening speed. There is still so much that needs to get done but if I know me, and I do, it will all get done.

I have to admit that the thought of seeing my husband after nearly two years has me excited and nervous and happier than I have ever been. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't missed him more than I thought my heart could take. I have talked about him constantly, fought for him relentlessly and prayed for him nightly. I found that the only way to get through this time without him is to put my love for him and his love for me right at the centre of everything I do and to never ever forget that everything happens for a reason.

So now the for real plans are being made. Our hopes and dreams are so close to becoming reality that I can almost touch them. There is no more waiting to see if he will come home this year but rather when TDC will return him to me and believe me I am never giving him back.

As I said 6 months ago, in one of my blogs, "He is on my mind every minute of every hour of every day. We are connected. We always have been and always will be. He loves me more than words can say. I love him like no other. Together we are unstoppable. Back to back. Our love is undeniable."

While some may say that nothing in this life is certain, there is one thing that I know without a doubt is certain and that is that we will always be we and nothing else matters.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Well here we are. January is almost over. I can't believe how fast this month has gone. I can only hope that the next few months go by just as fast. After a year and a half, my husband is finally coming home and while I am more than excited to see him, I am also nervous and anxious.

I have missed him every day for the last 533 days and I will continue to miss him until I see his face sometime in the next couple of months. This is our do-over and I can't wait to finally start this life with him. He has been the centre of my world since he walked through my front door in September 2009. That will never change. He is the man I trust with my life and love with my entire heart. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him and I know, without a doubt, there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me.

I won't lie and say that this time apart has been easy because there has been nothing easy about it. He is in Texas. I am in Canada. We have spoken on the phone twice in a year and we haven't seen each other since September 2010. The details of his release, at least right now, are quite sketchy. I don't know when and I don't know where but I do know that no matter when and no matter where, I will be there.

All of this waiting, stressing and struggling is just about over. With my husband's freedom comes a new set of obstacles but really after being apart for so long, there is nothing we can't handle; there is no problem too big for us. The little details will take care of themselves. We have perservered and our time has come. We will be together and nothing will stop that. Nothing will stop us.

I have been asked what I have learned through this bid with my husband and really the answer is simple. The love that I have for my husband and the love he has for me has reminded me that I am braver than I believe, stronger than I think, and to never ever...sweat the small stuff.

Climbing Mount Everest

It's been a little while since I've written because, quite honestly, I have been overwhelmed with the thought that my husband is finally coming home. In just a few short months, and after close to two years, I will finally get to put my arms around him and look him in the eye and tell him how much I love him and how much I have missed him.

It's been exactly 15 days since we were given the news that my husband made parole and I am sure that I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time. My head has been swimming with all of the things that need to be done now that he is coming home.

Time is ticking and I fear it will run out before I get everything done. It feels like there is another mountain in front of me to climb but this one is considerably smaller than the last one and this time I won't be climbing it alone. I won't deny that the first mountain felt like I was climbing Mount Everst and it was a son-of-a-bitch to conquer. My husband was coming up one side and I was coming up the other and after months and months of struggling and being apart we both finally made it to the top. We will be together and we will continue to do it our way and nothing can stop us. We have made it through the worst of it and we are stronger than ever just like I said we would be when this all started nearly two years ago. He promised he would always be OK and I promised I would move to Texas. He has kept his promise just like I knew he would and I am keeping mine and because of our love for one another and our promises to each other, I realize now that the mountain I thought was ahead of us is really just a little hill.

Clearer Skies

Well it was a week ago today that I found out that my husband made parole and will be coming home within the next few months. I knew this day would come and now that it is so close I find myself going through a whole new set of emotions and feelings.

I am overwhelmed with happiness yet lonlier than I've ever been since he's been gone and that is because even though he's so close to coming home, for me it's still so far away. My anxiousness is palpable. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life the way that I want my husband. I wish that I could move through time and it was the day that he was coming home. I've imagined what that day would be like at least a thousand times and I would be willing to bet that no matter how perfect a picture I have in my head of that day, it will pale in comparison to the reality.

I've had many sleepless nights since my husband has been in prison but not like this. Before when I couldn't sleep it was worry and stress and missing him like crazy that kept me awake. Now it's quite simple what has been keeping me up and that is the thought of finally being with him the way we've always been meant to be.

On August 4, 2010, we committed to each other and I made a promise to myself and to my husband that nothing would keep me from him. We have been tested more than most but we swore that we would always stand back to back, ready to take on any and all comers that threatened our commitment to one another and together we have weathered that storm and by god after what has seemed like forever the skies are clearing and the rainbow is finally coming out! Are we the same people we were when this bid started 17 months ago? Not even close. We are better.

The Vote is in....

If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you know that my husband has been in review for parole for a few weeks now. His file went before the parole board on December 21 and I have been on pins and needles ever since.

I've been trying to stay busy and I've been praying an awful lot and hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. The question I have always had is how do you prepare for the possibility that you might be without your husband for another year? How do you get into the right frame of mind to deal with that potential outcome? I refused to believe that I would be without him for another year. I just couldn't picture it and quite frankly, I didn't want to so when I found out that his case was finally going to a vote, I wouldn't let myself think that the worst was going to happen.

My husband was less than hopeful about being granted parole after only serving 17 months on a 12-year sentence. I had always told him that I had hope enough for both of us and on more than one occassion he had said that hope is a sucker's bet. I know as sure as I am sitting here, that he was trying to prepare himself for the possibility that he would not be coming home this year.

You see, my husband would rather suffer through something than ask for help and he sure as hell would never hope for anything. He has always lived by the code that "if it's meant to be then it's up to me" and this time would be no different. He made a promise to me very early on that he would do whatever was necessary to come home to me as soon as the parole board would let him and he more than kept that promise. He did everything that was expected of him and then some. He became a trustee within the first six months of getting to prison; he held the highest job on his unit and in the 17 months that he has been in prison, he has been written up only once for being out of place but he appealed and won so the case was dismissed.

When it came time to parole, I really think my husband humored me when I suggested hiring a parole attorney to represent him. He knew I wouldn't back down and that it was useless to fight me. I swore that I would do whatever I could to level the playing field for him and if that meant hiring another lawyer, then I would. My husband had told me that all legal decisions were mine so I did what I thought was best for him and for us.

There is no greater feeling of helplessness than knowing that the fate of the man you love more than anything is in someone else's hands but I had to accept that it was out of my control and that was very hard for me. I had given my husband's parole attorney everything he had asked for and then some but was it enough? Did I forget anything? Had I really left no stone unturned? Did I do all I could? Hell ya I did! My husband was granted parole this morning and he will be home in a few short months.

So while to some, hope is a sucker's bet, when you square it up the way my husband did, there's no way you can lose.

The Waiting Game

On Wednesday December 21, I received an email that I thought would never come. My husband's parole attorney contacted me to say that he had presented my husband's file to the Parole Board and that we should have a decision in about a week.

When my husband first went to prison almost 17 months ago, I knew when he would be eligible for parole so I set out to find the best parole attorney that I could afford. I was relentless in my search for the perfect person to entrust with my husband's life and our future. I researched parole lawyers until I became an expert in who they are and what they do. I checked out websites and references, sent emails and made phone call after phone call until I found, what I consider to be, the perfect man to represent my husband.

How did I know he was the one? Well for one thing, his office called me back within 30 minutes of receiving my email and to me that was huge. His assistant was very kind and considerate to the fact that I was so far away from my husband and reassured me that everything would be alright. We spoke for quite a while and not only did he reassure me but he never once mentioned money which I truly appreciated. He explained the process to me and what needed to be done. By the end of our call, I had pretty much made up my mind that this would be the firm to represent my husband. Now the question was would my husband agree? My husband has always been less than trustful of lawyers so how this one presented himself to him would be the deciding factor. If he didn't come across as genuine then I knew it would be a no-go and it would be back to square one. I would not go against what my husband wanted because I trusted his judgement more than I trusted my own.

My husband was sent a questionnaire and about two months later he met with this attorney at his unit. His opinion of this lawyer was bang on with my own. He said the lawyer seemed very genuine and knowledgeable and when I asked if he wanted me to hire him, all he said was "I trust you with my life and nobody wants me out more than you so this decision is yours." You see it is that blind faith that we have in each other that makes us "we". I will do whatever is necessary to protect him and there is not a doubt in my mind that he would do the very same thing for me.

My husband is eligible for parole very early in the New Year so it was very crucial that we started preparing as early as possible so I immediately set to work getting together everything that the lawyer would need for his presentation to the Parole Board. After several months I had it all; everything and then some. Nothing was left to chance and I left no stone unturned. Now that the file was complete, we would have to wait for the parole review process to begin. My husband finally met with the Institutional Parole Officer on his unit December 5 and his attorney made his presentation to the Parole Board on December 21.

So, all of this waiting and wondering, struggling and stressing, missing and crying has come down to this one moment. It's judgement week and while I can't talk to my husband and reassure him, I know he is thinking about me just like he knows I am thinking about him and while this is by far the most stressful thing that has happened to us in the last 17 months, we...will always be...we. No matter what.

The Christmas Wish

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted and that’s partly because life has gotten in the way but also because this time of year, which should be a time of celebration and family and togetherness, has just reminded me that my family is not whole this year.

This is the first year that I will be without my mother, both of my grandparents and my husband and that reality is hitting me like a tonne of bricks. I am overwhelmed at the thought that the three people that helped to make me the woman I am today are no longer on this earth and the most important man in my life, my husband, is in another country sitting in prison for Christmas with his closest family 3,000 miles away.

For weeks, I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it’s just not working. The shopping, the wrapping, the baking and the Christmas music just doesn’t seem to make a difference this year and while I am thankful for what I do have and that is a husband that loves me more than his own life and 4 children that are every bit the image of their mother and father, I want more. What some take for granted would be a Christmas miracle for me. My Christmas wish would be to have my husband home and not just on Christmas but every day. I want his face to be the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see every night. I want to hear him say I love you every day and I want to see the love he has for me in his eyes when he says it. I want to sit down to dinner at the table with him and talk about nothing. I want to go for a walk with him and I want to hold his hand. I want to go for a long Sunday drive to nowhere in particular and I want to sit with him by a fire and watch the sun rise and set. But what I wish for most is to never miss him again because I have done nothing but miss him since August 4, 2010.

So, while this Christmas will undoubtedly be the hardest Christmas I have ever had, it also brings with it the promise of a better life to come; a life of happiness, togetherness and more love than I have ever had in my life. I just have to hold on a little while longer knowing that my Christmas wish is just going to be a little late this year but it is coming.

What are you gonna do?

By now, most of you have read my husband's guest post and by the number of hits it's received, it seems to have had a significant impact on those that follow my blog but it has had no greater impact than on me.

A few weeks ago, I asked my husband if he wouldn't mind writing something for this blog because I thought it might be nice for all of you to hear from the man I write about in his own words. I told him that he could write about anything he wanted. I never really thought he would write anything because it's one thing for him to tell me how he feels but it's another thing entirely to tell the whole world so I was surprised when, in a letter that he sent me, I noticed a single stand out paper with the words "My blog" written on the top.

As I read the words he had written, I was immediately taken back to the days that my husband was being hunted by the law and the desperation he was feeling. I remember his phone calls. I remember the worry I felt and I sure remember how close he came to not being here. He had always said that he would rather die than go to jail. I remember hearing the desperation in his voice when he would call just to see if I was alright. I remember the fear and the absolute helplessness that I felt trying to convince my husband that he was the most important thing in my life and how I needed him to be here. Those four days that he was gone were the worst days of my life. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I paced the floor waiting for his next call not knowing where he was at any given moment or if he was alive or dead.

I remember meeting my husband in his attorney's office and him asking "what are you gonna do when they take me back to Texas" and without hesitation I said "move to Texas". I really didn't think he believed me at first because he shook his head with this little grin of doubt on his face. I told him that when I said I was all in, I meant it. I meant it then and I mean it now. My husband was then and will always be one of the most important things in my life right alongside our 4 children.

That would not be the first test we would face as husband and wife. My husband would subsequently be deported from Canada and then extradited back to Texas where he is now 3,000 miles away from me.

Over these last 16 months, he has come to never doubt my commitment to him and to our family. There is nothing more important to me in this life than my husband and children and I am sure that on more than one occasion I have shown him my true colours and while I am a Canadian to the core, my heart belongs to a Texan sitting in a Texas prison.

Guest post by my husband, Cody

Well Kim has asked me to write a little something for her blog. I'm not as eloquent with the formation of words as she is but I'm going to put pen to paper and see what comes out.

"A soulmate is an ongoing connection with another individual that the soul picks up again in various times and places over our lifetimes. We are attracted to another person at a soul level not because that person is our unique complement but because by being with that individual we are somehow provided with an impetus to become whole ourselves."

This quote is important to me because anyone can be a wife or a husband. However, soulmates are hard to find. I've found mine in Kim. It took me a while to find her; 37 years and a different country but I did. I wasn't always a good guy. In fact, I danced with the devil quite often throughout my life.

There were times I didn't want to live anymore. I just wanted to give up. Kim knows how close I was to jumping off to the end and as I sat there having my debate with the devil and the angel one thing stopped me - Kim. She wasn't physically there but she was in my heart. I had finally found her and not long after, the law found me. I swore I'd never go to jail and that I'd rather die than do time. I was on the run and I put her through hell. I had to make a decision so I just thought about her - her smile, her smell, her patience with a man set in his ways; the way we talked about everything, something I've never been able to do; how she didn't judge me. She loved me. She stood up for me when no one would.

I had asked her one day, trying to push her away, "what are you gonna do when they take me back to Texas?" All she said was "move to Texas". In that instant, I knew she would. I knew I would have to go through some hard years to get back to my soulmate. How could I be a coward when she was so strong? Let's just say the devil lost and my Irish Angel prevailed.

Literally, I owe Kim my life, but it's our life now. Somehow she made me a "we". I don't think about my past anymore because my future is too bright. Kim filled a big hole in my heart. I truly wish everyone could find what I've found. She made me whole which brings me back to the original quote.

Now, to my sweet Irish Angel: "I love you like crazy and nothing else matters. I'll be home soon baby. Till then see you in my dreams."

Cody

The Quest

I received two letters yesterday from my husband which, just like always, made my day. I am usually writing about how I feel about him but today I thought I would give him the floor and allow him to express how he feels about me. So, here is a small excerpt from one of the letters I received yesterday.

"I hope you know that you can always take my hand and I will try to make it better. That's my sole purpose in the rest of this life we have - to bring you joy. I think about my past and how I was to women. It's like I knew that they weren't you. I didn't even know you but for some reason my mind knew. That's why my journey has been so long. We were so far apart for so long but I never lost the picture I had in my head of the perfect woman for me. I had given up and was going to go through life miserable. You made me want to live again. Live for me, for us, for our kids. I realized I would have it all; everything I'd been searching for. That's why when you said you'd come to Texas I knew that even the devil couldn't stop us. I got the devil's number and he lost and I won. That's why the hell I'm in now I know will be worth it. I already know. I won. Now I'm going to get all that's mine. Nothing can stop me because I have you. I'm in prison and this is the first time I've been free in years, if ever. I want you to feel that way too.

I promise next life I'm going to find you sooner. Of course, it took my 38 years and another country to find you so maybe next time you can be in my hometown and we can be highschool sweethearts. I'm just really glad I found you is all. All I know is now that I've found you, I'd rather die than go without you. I want you to know that.

I love the Tim McGraw song "Everywhere" and you're right that it used to remind me of someone. That someone has always been you; your soul, your aura, you. Now I just have a beautiful face to go with the rest. I hope you see. As bad as I've been, it's been my quest for you that made me that way. I'm glad I never stopped looking. One day I hope our kids find what we have. I hope they know what we went through for each other. Love isn't dead. The quest for it is. I did it though. I never stopped and neither did you. We have it all in each other.

I love you."

~~ Everywhere ~~ by Tim McGraw

Another Sunday

Today is one of those days where I just can't hold back the tears. I've tried to keep myself busy but my mind keeps me locked on my husband. As Christmas draws closer, I find myself missing him more and more if that's even possible. Missing my husband is like missing the air that I breathe or the beat of my heart. It just doesn't work without him.

Being in a city that you have lived in all your life and feeling like you don't quite fit anymore, because your heart is somewhere else, is by far one of the hardest things. It simply amounts to going through the motions until the day finally comes when your body can be where your heart has been for the last year and a half - with the man that you love more than your own life and there is nothing you won't do to make that happen.

Some may ask "why would you put yourself through this? Why wait for a man in prison?" The answer is really quite simple. We fit. We always have. I have loved my husband all my life. He is home to me. He may not be perfect but he is perfect for me.

There is a misconception that women who wait for men in prison must have low self esteem and nothing could be further from the truth. In most cases, a woman who waits for a man in prison, commits herself to a life of isolation and judgement. Family and friends turn their backs quite easily which is not really what a woman with low self esteem is looking for. A woman committed to a man in prison must find the strength inside her to stand alone against the masses; to fight for who and what she believes in and she will do it alone and without hesitation.

The only comfort she will most likely find are from other women in similar situations. There is a sense of loyalty among women who share a common thread and that is they all love a man doing time. Just because we are married to men in prison does not mean that our love is not pure and real and strong. To me, a marriage to an inmate is stronger than most free-world marriages. We commit ourselves body and soul to our husbands. Loyalty is our strongest asset and love is our greatness weakness.

You never know where we are and who we are so before you suggest that a woman being married to an inmate is desperate or naive, think again because if you don't we will not think twice about calling you out on it and I guarantee you won't win.

Everything

Yesterday was a really good mail day for me. I received a card from a new friend in New Mexico, a letter from a new friend in Texas and three letters from my husband. I can't explain what it's like to see an envelope with my husband's name in the top left corner. I can barely contain my excitement and I can't get the envelope opened fast enough to read what he has written. It just simply makes my whole day. My husband says the same thing. He lives for his mail and he knows to expect at least three letters a day from me every day. I have not missed one single day of writing for the last 482 days and I will continue until the day my husband walks through those prison gates and into my arms. He has such complete faith and trust in me that he knows if he doesn't get mail on any given day that it's time to let the mailroom know and you can bet that he knows exactly what days are missing.

Everything that we feel for each other is poured into these letters and if anyone were to read them, there would be no question as to the love we have for each other. It's the kind of love that gives you butterflies and can take your breath away. It's the kind of love that you never doubt because you know it will always be there. It's the kind of love that no matter the distance will never lose it's place. It's the kind of love that can take you from the darkest places in your mind to the warmest places in your heart. It's the kind of love that makes you forget what your life was like before because that life no longer matters. It's the kind of love you've wished for your entire life and you finally have. It makes you better...It's home. 

My husband tells me all the time that I am everything to him and I don't think I really understood the magnitude of what that meant until I got these last three letters from him. He mentioned how we used to talk and laugh all the time when we were together. He was amazed at how I never had to ask him when something was wrong because somehow I always knew. I am not sure I can explain it but it's just sort of a sense thing that I have with him. I can just feel it. The minute he would walk through the front door, I knew. Maybe it was the expression on his face or maybe it was the way he sat down or maybe it was just they way he said "hey", but I knew that if I let him come to it on his own, he would tell me and it would come out naturally and not forced. I remember meeting my husband for the first time and how I felt like I had known him all my life. There was a familiarity and a comfort that I had never had before. So, that's how I knew then and that's how I still know now. I just feel it.

Now that my husband finally has a radio, he listens to music all day and most times when he writes to me, he sends music home for me to listen to you. If you knew my husband at all, you would know that when he wants me to listen to something, it has meaning to him and nine times out ten it's going to make me cry and he did not disappoint me this time. He asked me to listen to several songs but one in particular affected me so much that I had to write about it. "Except for the brown hair", he said "this song was written about you. I just hope that when you hear it that you know where I'm at and for those few minutes of the song, we are together at that moment." Like he says "music and songs don't mean anything and yet they can mean everything."

So, while my husband may feel that I am everything to him, he is everything to me...and more.

~~ Everything by Brad Paisley ~~

Meant to be

Just when I thought I couldn't love my husband any more than I already do, he says something to me that makes me wonder how in the world I got so lucky to have him in my life. How, in this crazy mixed up world, with millions of people did we ever find each other? Was it luck? Was it by chance or was it something that was simply supposed to happen?

There is not a doubt in my mind that we were meant to be. This life is full of choices and every choice, good or bad, is meant to lead you where you are destined to be. There are no accidents. Each decision we make has a purpose and every choice has a result and it is the culmination of my choices that have led me straight to my husband.

I received two letters today that my husband wrote from November 8-13. As you know, November 9th was the anniversary of my mother's passing and of all the days that I wish my husband was home, that was the one I wished for most. Considering he is in prison and has to be on point all the time, I wouldn't have blamed him or been angry with him if this day had passed him by. But true to form, it didn't. He remembered. He knew that this day would be hard on me and he knew I needed him so while he may not have physically been here with me, he was here...in my heart and he let me know. He said “I know this a tough day for you but know this, whenever you feel the saddest, I got your hand. I’m with you. Never forget.”

How does he know exactly when I need him and how does he always know exactly what to say to make it better? The love my husband has for me is something I will never, in this life or the next, take for granted because it is that love that has gotten me through some of the worst days of my life. When I am feeling alone and lonely, I take out his letters and I read his words and I am comforted in knowing that no matter what life throws at me, I will always have my husband and for that I will be forever grateful because we…are meant to be.

The Call

Well it happened! Last night, the phone rang long distance and at first, I thought "not another telemarker?" but when I saw the area code, I thought it might be my husband and then I heard "you have a collect call. Please press "1" to accept the charges." I was so anxious that I didn't think I pressed "1" long enough and then I heard "Hey babe. What's up?" I can't tell you how I have longed to hear those words and finally, after 171 days I got to hear my husband's voice and it was just like I remember - slow and strong, southern and sexy.

Our call was limited to five minutes and they really did just fly by. He did most of the talking and I just listened, amazed that it was actually him. I can only compare having your call timed to speed dating - where you have got to cram a lot of information into a short amount of time and believe me that is no easy task when really all you want to do is keep repeating how much you love and miss each other.

There were a million things I wanted to say to him but the only thing that really mattered was that we got to say "I love you" and "I miss you". Having not gotten a call from my husband in six months, this one was like a double-edged sword because while I missed his voice and would have given anything to hear it, when the call finally came, reality set in that I wouldn't hear from him again for possibly another three months and that thought absolutely broke my heart. Even though I have said goodbye to him hundreds of times, it never gets easier and I think if it did, I couldn't really say that I love my husband with all that I am. It should never be easy to say goodbye to the love of your life.

Even though my husband has been in hell for nearly a year and a half and a lesser man would have given up, his sole focus has always been his wife and children and he would do anything for us. That has never been more evident to me than last night at 9:03pm. He wanted his phone call. He made his request and went through the proper channels. He was relentless and he never gave up and he never backed down. He did exactly what he set out to do 171 days ago. He got to talk to his wife!

Nothing Else Matters

Well, today I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I received two more letters from my husband and I am absolutely over the moon about that. But the good news doesn't stop there. Nope. My husband told me that after six long months he has finally been approved to make a call to me! The minute I read those words in his letter, I burst into tears. I couldn't believe what I was reading so I read it again and then I read it one more time just to be sure. I re-read every word of that sentence three times really slowly in case I wasn't reading what I was seeing.

You see, I had resigned myself to the fact that, as long as my husband was in a Texas prison, I would never again hear his voice and that thought absolutely devastated me. There really are no words to express what it feels like to be told that the one voice you love more than any other, is the one voice you won't hear again for possibly a very long time. It's hard enough being 3,000 miles away from him and never seeing him but to never hear his voice again as long as there was this physical distance between us was just about more than I could take.

Every night, I sleep with the phone by my bed just in case and every night I pray that he will be allowed to call me and every morning I wake up and I am reminded of the reality that he didn't get to call. While my husband was in the county jail in Texas, he was allowed to call me as often as he wanted and that helped both of us immensely. We always knew that the other was alright and that was of great comfort and at times all we needed was just to hear the other say "I love you" and we could handle anything. So, when he was transferred to prison and we realized that he wouldn't be able to call anymore, we were both heartbroken but we both knew that "we" would always be OK. There wasn't anything that had happened or was going to happen that would change that.

I was telling my husband that a little while ago, I found out that sometimes those that get regular calls don't answer them because they are at an inconvenient time or simply because they want to punish their husband or wife for an argument they may have had. My husband said "soulmates can't help but answer. The connection makes us even if we are asleep and it's late. Our other half might need us and that's the whole reason for our existence so those people will never get it. Besides all that matters is us."

If I've learned anything at all from this time away from my husband and not being able to talk to him, it's that life is about little moments and it's those little moments, like a five minute phone call every six months, that are truly the things that mean the most. So, even if that five minute phone call never comes, I will always know in my heart that we will always be "we" and nothing else matters.

She Misses him on Sunday the Most

Well I heard a song today that stopped me dead in my tracks. I couldn't believe how well it described my husband and me and while it was really about a woman who had lost her husband, the message was the same. It talked about the little things that they used to do together and I was reminded of all of the little things that my husband and I would do when he was here.

We used to watch Jeopardy together just about every night and every time my husband got an answer right (which was most of the time) he would smile that smile of his and raise his index finger in the air just to let you know he was right. Friday nights we would watch Criminal Minds until we couldn't keep our eyes open. Saturday we would watch UFC and bet each other on the outcome. Sometimes he would win and sometimes I would but he always let me pick first. That brings us to Sunday and the day that I miss him the most.

Funny how far one day can set you back after all the hard work you've done throughout the week to keep yourself in check and not fall apart. I suppose it's because Monday to Friday I'm busy working and rushing kids all over and Saturday I play catch up with the housework and the bills but Sunday, oh, Sunday is just not a day I can ever get through unscathed. Every week I think this Sunday will be different but it isn't. I sit alone on the chair in our living room flipping through the channels on the tv trying to find something on that doesn't remind me of my husband but of course that's impossible. It is Sunday afterall and that day is all football all day. I know that things will be so different when he comes home and Sunday will be just like it used to be but for now, as hard as I try, Sunday will always be the day I miss my husband the most.

~~She Misses Him on Sunday the Most, Diamond Rio~~