Tuesday, August 02, 2011

From 8-4 to 5-10

It's 4:30pm and I am just getting home from work. I am on the bus these days because my car has broken down and I can't afford to have it fixed right now. I've got 2 children (15 and 11) to support, rent to pay, food to buy, a husband in prison and a parole lawyer to pay for so fixing the car right now just isn't going to happen anytime soon. As I walk through the door of my home, I step on the cat who's been basking in the sun like a lizard under a heat lamp and that sends him running down the hall and over the dog who in turn jumps up and steps into her water dish. Great! Water everywhere. One more mess to clean up and I haven't even taken my shoes off yet. Welcome to my world!

I need to fix the central vaccuum because it's lost it's suction and I tell you this I curse my husband every time I have to fix something. Am I angry with him because he is in prison? Hell no! But every time I have to take out the garbage or clean up after the dog or fix the sink or anything else in this house, I swear a little. He should be here and I should be able to say, "baby can you please fix the sink?" or "baby would you please take out the garbage" or "baby can you put the air conditioner in?" (that in and of itself should get me a freakin' best wife ever award because that sucker is heavy!) So, here I am and he is there and it's all on me.

Because we can't talk on the phone every night or even every other night, every decision is mine and believe me it's exhausting. He needed a parole lawyer OK I found one and for the record he's a damn good one. The children and I need to move to Texas OK I'll figure it out. Oh and did I mention petitions to draft because I can't go another second knowing what goes on at TDC and not do anything about it? There are papers to fill out, applications to be made, money to be saved, money to be spent, jobs to find, house to find and it's all on me. At least if TDC would let him call home more often than once every 3 months for 5 minutes, I might not feel so overwhelmed all the time and believe me I am overwhelmed most days. Some days it takes every ounce of strength and courage I have to get out of bed but I do and I do because my children need their mother and my husband needs his wife. Will I ever tell him how truly overwhelmed I am? Hell no!

1 comment:

  1. I can totally relate here with having to support my 17 yr. old and also his kids which are 15 and 8. I get angry also when things break down here and I have to fix them, and then i write to him about it. He replies in his letters to make sure i get the oil changed in the vehicles, etc..i get so angry at that too b/c he always did it when he was here. I know he is just trying to be helpful in me not forgetting anything, but it just gets under my skin. The first several weeks he left, I totally forgot to take trash out on trash day, because he always did it. All the things i took for granted. But we are going on 11 months pretty soon, and getting by okay. I still become overwhelmed at times, working so much to make the bills and trying to keep up with the kids events. It hurts to know he is missing out on some important things with my son graduating in a couple of months and then he is leaving for the service. I'll be even more alone, because his kids stay at their mom's most the time. I do tell him once in awhile how much shit i got to do and how tired i am. He knows it and feels bad, but there is nothing he can do about it at this point, so we just keep moving on. I try not to make him feel bad and want to keep his spirits up in there b/c I know how scared he is everyday in there of stuff that happens around him.